Now, for the heartache and depression Now, for the empty hole from losing my best friend Now, for pretending to be happy when everyone else is Now, for trying to find the energy to be present for my child Now, for the loneliest feelings to drown me
Mariella and her family just sat down in the seats that face us. When she sat down, she stated (to no one in particular) "This is MYseat!" ...no one answered so she had to mention it one more time so Mummy and Daddy would take notice. "Yes, you do have your own seat, Mariella, and you'll have your own seat on the airplane now that you're a big two year old!" Satisfied, she sat in HER seat, and with her big bright eyes she surveyed the others sitting around her. "What's that sleeping?" ... again, no answer. "What's that sleeping?" ... still nothing Knowing where she was going with this line of questioning (repeat until someone answers) I was ready when she asked again, pointing straight ahead with her little important finger "Whats that sleeping?" "That's MY little girl!" I told her, smiling.
I was smiling because yes, my big little girl took up 2-3 seats just by stretching out her legs in this corner of the waiting area and yes, she was sound asleep. I knew this had to be an unusual sight for this blonde little chatterbox.
When I answered, her parents took notice. It wasn't that they were ignoring or neglecting her. I could tell they were just very used to Mariella asking questions and they had a young son as well, just a bit older. In fact, when I answered, her mother said to me in a very perfect English accent "She IS sleeping...I envy you so much" I assured her that one day Mariella will probably sleep all of the time too, and that waking up at 4 in the morning to get to the airport will seem like torture to her.
In the amount of time it took me to mention this, Mariella had already changed course. She had gotten up, gotten her mother's purse from the other end of the row, took it to her father and started asking him to get something out for her. Turned out she wanted the boarding pass. Smart kid. When she pulled out the box of something that made noise, and started shaking it while Mummy was reading to her son, and Daddy was just being Daddy (again, she wasn't being paid attention to) it took about five minutes for someone to realize she was trying to get their attention and that maybe they needed to move so they didn't wake up my sleeping giant. When Sage woke up she had no idea the family had ever been there.
I love watching people at the airport. I love wondering where they came from, where they are going, and I even picture where they might live and what their home might look like. I'll probably never forget Mariella.
Dreams have always fascinated me. They are so individual, so unique to each person, and such a random part of our brain functions. I understand the science behind dreams, but I think there is a magic to them as well - a connection to that other world from which we are separated.
I have been curious about dreams my entire life. I have had dreams of flying - and therefore I know what it feels like to glide along free, watching the ground pass by and feeling the wind all around you. I have had dreams in animation. I have had dreams of people I have never met. And, like most, I have recurring dreams and/or themes in my dreams - the two most common are "Disneyland" dreams, and Tornado dreams. When I was little, I would often dream of being in a dark room or dark house and none of the light switches worked. I don't have that dream anymore.
Every once in a while, I get the opportunity to ask other people about their dreams. Many claim that they don't dream and just as many claim they don't remember their dreams. It isn't unusual for one of these people to come to me a short time later and tell me that they suddenly had a dream, or they remembered a dream for the first time. I was most surprised by my mother's response to my dreaming questions. She told me that she dreams in black and white. I had never heard such a thing. I have also heard of people who dream in other languages once they learn or while they are learning a new language. Other types of dreamers are the scattered dreamers who don't have any flow to their dreams, and the practical dreamers - I almost envy them. They work out problems in their head, and the answers are clear as the words written on this page.
I had this dream the night before I started this post. In the dream, it was storming outside. I knew that tornadoes were coming (I dream about tornadoes all the time) and that I needed to get the girls to the safe room. When I looked out of the back door, I saw the dead-ish top of one of my trees go flying up into the air like an arrow launched from a bow. I took a moment to wonder where it would land and hope it wasn't through the roof of someone's house. I then continued to get the girls to safety and then the dream just got wierder and changed to something else.
The next morning, I was driving to work thinking about my dream. I wondered what the significance of the top of the dead tree was. We had just lost a top executive at work and I can't say that I was sorry about it - and I was thinking that maybe that was the metaphor - that executive was the dead top of an otherwise healthy tree...I had pretty much made up my mind that this was it, until at the stop light I looked right out of my driver's side window and saw this:
Another Old Draft that I'm posting. May have already posted it - not sure.
So...in an effort to save my 15 year old from an untimely end of the world departure before she can vote in a Presidential election, I have been researching this 2012 Doomsday stuff more. I have decided that I need the following, to procede further:
1. A credible Scientist who specializes in historic astronomical events and patterns.
2. A reliable Prophet.
3. A Mayan Studies professor.
4. An intergalactic telescope.
5. All of the books that have come out in the past few years about 2012.
6. A lot of time to read.
7. Every single 2012 doomsday documentary.
8. A lot of time to watch the documentaries.
9. Internet.
10. The phone numbers for all of the 2012 doomsday "experts"
11. A message from God.
Once I get all of these things assembled, I will most certainly keep you posted on the status of the end of life as we know it. This has been predicted to happen in any of the following ways:
1. Jesus comes back. This would be the easiest and most acceptable way, unless you believe in pre-Jesus Armageddon, instead of the Rapture, where everyone just goes *poof* and ends up in Heaven.
2. Galactic Alignment. The point where all of the planets are aligned with the Sun and the center "hole" of the Milky Way Galaxy.
Perhaps it was a trick of the eye...or the person in charge of the marquis made a mistake, but the flashing red sign said "John's Struggling Soul". Huh. Ironic.
I found out yesterday afternoon about the state of his affairs; messy, just like his life. Tens of thousands owed to the IRS and the State...overdrawn bank accounts...numerous other debts...two and a half months past due on rent...four DUIs and three wrecks in less than a year. His apartment was littered with various people's prescription bottles, trash, filth...and more filth in any box or corner one would care to look. I can imagine it vividly, because even though I wasn't there I've seen it before. I've seen his life in a house and it is dismal and pitiful.
When he died, I prayed that God see what shaped his soul and forgive him. I prayed that God see the good that was inside of him and the darkness that infected him as simply a virus or sickness passed on to him at a very early and impressionable age. Save the light inside of him...understand that it wasn't his fault he was like that.
I am a naive dumbass and I'm struggling with that prayer even as his soul is struggling.
No I'm not. I'm an enabler. I'm flexible enough that men think they can get away with anything. Once they pass my line of silent boundary, I'm outta here.
No, you're dangerous. I know.
He knows. He does know I think. He gave me a book on magic, and herbs, and the witchy magical things that make up my darker side. So, I'm not an enabler. I just give them enough rope to hang themselves.
But what does that mean for me? For my future?
We'll see. I have much more on this but I'm sleepy. Good night.
So yeah, I've posted this stuff about how much I love him and how awesome he makes me feel when I'm around him.
But when I'm not around him...I'm not real sure.
Yeah, he calls me most. I only call him if I feel like he isn't calling because I haven't called. Hahaha...that made me laugh....neurotic much?
But seriously...by now, there should be something more...solid. I love him...he loves me...why is it so hard for us to express that vocally? I tell my best friends I love them - why is it so off to tell him the same thing, and why do I get my feelings so hurt that he doesn't tell me first?
WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING COMPLICATED???
*ahem.
I would just like to request from the Universe, from God, that this become somewhat more..simple...with less work and/or concern on my part. Men are obviously these uncomplicated creatures, so what you see is what you get...but WTF?
I'm pretty transparent...I think (they are men, they don't always "see".) Maybe he thinks he is being the same way. I don't know...I'm starting to think that he isn't as "strong" as I thought he was. I'm starting to think none of them are. They all have this "let's live in the moment, let's not worry about tomorrow" philosophy (with me)...and at the same time, "those" guys are the same ones who say "don't go to bed angry" and "if you ever want to talk about something let's talk about it" blah blah - and then they go out of their way to avoid conflict.
I wish that he would just "get it", tell me "look, I love you to the moon and back - just always know that, because as long as I'm calling you practically every day, and seeing you whenever you want to come see me and whenever I can come see you, and we're spending important days like New Year's and Valentines Day and Birthdays together, then it's obvious" then I would be okay. But he's reluctant to go that far, even though the rest is true and valid.
Whatever. I don't know why I drew the "love will forever be a mystery" card when I was born.
She has driven all of three times, not counting the two parking lot sessions. She doesn't wear makeup. No boyfriends right now. (that I know of) She still hugs me and kisses me in front of her peers (warm fuzzy).
And yet, in the past weeks, there have been obvious signs that time is moving forward, regardless of her resistance to what ails most teenagers.
Of most importance (besides the "Getting of the Learner's Permit") are her invitation to apply for membership in the National Honor Society, as well as her initiative to enroll in the International Baccalaureate program at her school. Both of these things will assist with college and scholarship eligibility. The IB program is advanced, and only one or two schools in our state offer it. By the time IB students graduate from High School, they have anywhere between 14 and 30 College Credits already under their belt - depending on what college they attend.
So, she brought home her potential schedule for the next two years. I didn't really go to college. My parents didn't get so involved in preparing me for it, and I was fairly ignorant of the process. I have taken community college courses over the years, but I'm still a freshman. Ha. Still, I have learned that students need to have a plan for college; they need to plan their classes in advance just as if they were planning their college courses for a degree. I have also learned how important college is for very motivated students such as my daughter. But, I'm not sure she's looking at the longer vision of how the courses she is taking in High School should tie in with her college courses, thus funneling her interests into a future Career.
So, blah blah, all that aside, there is a course she has chosen that I don't believe would help her High School to College transition very well, there is a course missing that would help immensely, and there is a course that she should have taken this year (but didn't).
So I started thinking about other options. I thought of Summer School to help with the course she should have taken this year - that would position her to take the higher level course next year in that area of study. I thought of the deal we had made that if she took Speech, I would let her take Psychology except that messes up her athletics plan. It's a tricky, puzzle-like thing, this getting ready for college stuff.
Then it hit me - community colleges offer online courses, summer courses, and weekend courses! So, I got online to check out the facts, when THIS article headline screamed out at me from my browser page. Hello? could I have had a louder signal that I was on the right path? Of course, our students won't graduate in 10th grade and then go to college, but when you look at the end results its the same thing!
That article tells me that community colleges are ready to handle HS students who want more, and need more than their school or schedule offers. She could potentially graduate with not only the extra college credit hours offered by the IB program, but also with college credit by taking the two courses that satisfy her ideal High School course of study. Our state allows Junior and Senior HS students to enroll in concurrent college courses as long as they meet certain qualifications - which she has! So, I am having an a-ha moment. I feel like once we agree on her schedule and have this college/high school classes conversation, our next step will just be to start researching colleges, scholarships, and her future.
As a PS and an "it really doesn't matter to anyone but me" I visualize her in a career somewhat associated with Japan and the Asian culture. She is taking her second year of Japanese, and will take all four years. If she takes the US History course that she needs to graduate, and she takes it in a concurrent college course, then she could take Asian studies next year - which would gel with her Japanese class. She can take the "mother-required" speech class in a concurrent college course, which would prepare her for the 2nd level course of Intercultural Communication. She is an art student, has impressive drawing skills, and is extremely interested in Manga/Graphic Novels. She has also been working on writing a book for the past couple of years. All of these things seem to gel together into one big glob of possibility that would open so many doors for her when she graduates. I hope she agrees...but I know there is a 70% liklihood that she won't. I just needed to write it all down so I don't forget when it comes time for this very important talk. And I am encouraged by the article I stumbled upon about the High School/College connection.
This topic came up twice today, within an hour of each other.
At first, I was on the phone with a friend, talking about the WPA projects between Tulsa County and Okfuskee county. Hundreds (one very close, that I have had plans for at least for a year now) can be found around the state.
Not even an hour later, I was talking to someone from a completely different circle - someone I didn't know at all, about something that had nothing to do with my previous conversation with my friend. Basically we were talking about the houses in my neighborhood and how they were built in the mid 1940's blah blah and he said "blah blah houses blah blah during blah WPA..." (DID I JUST HEAR THAT AGAIN?)
While perusing the internet for a reliable chart of the global temperatures over the past few hundred thousand years, our receptionist delivers to me today's mail, upon which sits a magazine. The cover of the magazine has a picture of a polar bear standing on a piece of ice with the bold titles "This Could Be You" and "Climate Change Legislation". I don't believe in coincidence.
***
If I were always doing research on climate change, this wouldn't have been such a "no way" moment. But I'm not. I'm just bothered right now, by a lot of things, but a comment that was made during my irritable state had stuck in my head and I needed to do something to remove it. With all of the snow our country has been getting over the past few months, many of the right-wing conspiracy theorists (they exist on both wings) who have decided that the whole "Global Warming" issue is a hoax created entirely by Democrats to ruin the lives of Republicans are becoming more vocal about it. The comment that set me off was in a conversation thread about this most recent snow, wherein my relative said something along the lines of "Let's see how they backpedal on their Global Warming theory now" (the "they" meaning Democrats, who she outwardly loathes and berates, but still hugs me at Christmas as if I'm not "one of them").
I believe that, according to recent news, the current weather trend is SOUTH of the norm. The northern part of the world, the part above this cold snap/snow machine, is experiencing a drop in the amount of snow they normally get, and this weather pattern is ABNORMAL. The best chart I have found to accentuate this is from the data.giss.nasa.gov website on the mean temperatures of the Northern and Southern Hemispheres between 1880 and 2000. I believe if it had included the past 10 years, the drop would look similar to the 1960-1980 time span, with an inevitable spike in temperatures again.
What I don't understand is why there is even doubt in people's minds that the weather patterns are changing or that the GLOBAL temperature is changing? So, while we are getting the biggest snow year we've had since the 80's have any of these naysayers checked on the activity in the rest of the world, or does that part of the world not exist? And, if it is OUR government they think is coming up with some climate hoax, why do they not check the science from other countries?
I think the debate should center more around WHAT is causing the climate change, rather than if it is happening at all. It's happening. I could list ten more examples that it is happening, but I have to play taxi-mom now, and sign off. More later.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
My mom sleeps with a Nerf machine gun rapid fire Next to the cat.
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....first morning ever to have seen the sun must have run the other way...til she found that it was only getting earlier that way...
...first lesson ever to have learned its way must have been surprised...
...first river ever to have met the sea ... I believe it must have sighed...after all I haven't just been wasting my time...
There is nothing that I can do but belong to you. Heaven and Earth and I find myself singing this song for you. As luck would have it, it just so happens there's nothing I'd rather do...
Yeah, Andy. It's amazing that one human being can, without his knowledge, be my ups and my downs and my meloncholy and my joy. He is my Champion in my battle with self-esteem and feelings of being worthy vs. being worthless, and he doesn't even know it. He is the gauge by which I can monitor my level of sanity and reasonable thought. And if I am at that higher level of insanity - which I like to call "neurotic" and blame on hormones - he is right there next to me, open enough for me to share my neurotic thought patterns, and listening and acting like I'm not being completely psycho. He's my best friend and my Knight. That Knight. The one in shining armor. My best friend. My person I can call when I'm super-highly-irritable and have me laughing in 60 seconds or less. I can be walking around thinking I am invisible, and in one phone conversation I feel like I am important to people and what I have to say means something, even though he didn't know I felt invisible to begin with.
I think what I am trying to say is that he is the real thing. He may not be "the one". I don't really believe that exists anymore, although I do feel like there are a select few who come very close to that. But, he is the real thing. He treats me like I am important, and inspirational, and magical, and beautiful - even when I'm naked! He is the first human I could ever be naked in front of, and not be self-conscious and hyperconscious of every extra roll, or cellulitic dent in my body. I've never had that.
My point in sharing this with anyone, at the risk of it being TMI, is that I can tell, by the simple existence of this relationship, that I have healed. I have healed from the psychological predictions that my childhood experiences afforded me. I have healed from the misconceptions my mother and grandmothers have ingrained into me. I have healed from being speechless, from having no voice. I have healed from being completely used, hurt, and abused by the relationships I have chosen to participate in before now. I have healed from MOST (not all) of my self esteem and self-worth issues...and I did all of that before I realized we were going down that "path". The one I really wanted to walk with him.
So I'm here to tell those who haven't found that yet, that you can and will. And I'm here to tell those who have that - thank you for being proof that it exists - even if it seems fleeting to some of us who get to experience it.
And...to everyone else who doesn't even know this blog exists...there is no time frame. You will meet him when you meet him. Things are moving at their own magical pace for each of us and I (nor should you) feel an obligation to rush that pace or make things happen that aren't ready to happen. I tried that more than once, and was severely disappointed - just because I was trying to make other people happy, or fulfill some bizarre expectations I have accumulated from others during my life.
Now I have to pee - for the 47th time today. So I sign off with the video of my song for him. Yeah, gag, puke, whatever you want, but this is the song that is him. Goodnight!!
If you go back to my last post, and click on "Synchronicity" and then, click on the hyperlink on the webpage that says "Synchronicity" it will take you to a page (linked here) that talks about people going the web to read about synchronicity, which inevitably leads them to that website, blah blah blah. One of the synchronicities that site talks about is the time 11:11.
So, okay. I'm completely fascinated with you people who can sit down and so clearly write your deepest thoughts and feelings. I used to be able to do that; when I was in a bad relationship, angry, upset, or just needed to vent. But the good things, the things that I see and experience on a daily basis, I am less likely to write about. Those things are fleeting, and when I see or think about them I want to write a lot or my mind always goes into a poem or an instant camera to take a picture of it. But usually I'm driving and if you know me at all you know that it is only moments before my next distraction and "poof" there goes the old one.
A good example is the link attached to this entry. I always like to find a link of some sort to go with the title, even if it isn't exactly what I mean, but close. It was about synchronicity, and then all of these other links distracted me and I wanted to go visit them all before I even wrote this entry. So...just keep in mind I haven't read the link.
MY POINT IS that I am going to start a creative writing memory project. When I see things while I am driving, and I don't always have a camera or the superpower to stop time while I'm driving to take a picture of what I see, I am going to try to write about it as soon as I can, in as creative of a way that I can, so you can see it the way I saw it. Of course, this may be the only entry about it, because I'll forget and move onto something else, but hopefully not.
My first entry, and the reason I titled this Synchronicity is from a couple of weeks ago. I had just downloaded new songs to my ipod and was listening to them on my way to work. The song I was listening to is called "Timebomb" and it's by Beck. I don't remember the words or song as much as I remember the title, because at the time I was driving behind a very large truck that was carrying something I didn't recognize. It looked like a pod, or a ball of giant bars, or...a time bomb. So of course I had to risk my life, and everyone else's and take out my phone and take a picture (one of the few times I will be able to do this in relation to my "moment"). So I took a picture of the wierd ball...listening to the song Timebomb...and noticed that the brand name of the truck, as listed on the plate attached to the back of it said "Infinity". Not like the car. Just a metal plate with the word Infinity, while I'm listeing to a song called Timebomb and the truck is carrying what could very well have been (from that dimension) a time bomb.
Okay. So found this Fox news clip of Maxine Waters posted on Facebook today. One would automatically assume it was a recent comment, but it was a comment made in May of 2008. Since it was Fox news, I spent 45 minutes trying to find out if she really said it.
Well, after my 45 minute search specifically looking for "Maxine Waters Socialism Video Clip FAKE!" I found the exact "statement" I needed to believe the clip. Yeah, she said it. And even her statement didn't sound like she really regretted saying it half as much as she regrets that because of the misspeak, the other five hours of questioning was lost.
So, her almost offhanded dismissal of the word Socialism ("a scary term to most") made me think about the meaning behind the word even more than I have lately. Because, all of a sudden, I am noticing that we Dems are being referred to as "Socialist Democrats" rather than just "Democrats". And, to further complicate matters, the word she apparently meant to say was "nationalize" instead of "socialize". It didn't really help that the folks around her were cracking up in the wake of her blunder.
So, what is the difference between Socialize and Nationalize? Feel free to share your opinion as I do some more research on this neglected part of my knowledge base. I leave you now, with these two things:
I'm looking at this red signon a plain, tan, train car. It says:
DO NOT HAMMER ON CAR
Funny...how does it know that I want to do that right now?
I have been sitting at this jucture for at least 20 minutes, not counting the 10 minutes I sat one mile from where I am now. For a while, I was looking at "Used Oil" tanks and wondering how and where the oil was used. But then, finally, the train started to slooowwwlly move and I got excited that progress was being made!
ASIDE: About a year or three ago, Sage and I came upon the very same railroad track, heading the opposite direction. A train was in progress before us, and it was SLOW. I said, out loud (my bad) "COULD THIS TRAIN GO ANY SLOWER??!!??" Well, yes. It could. It stopped. Then, after stopping, it started rolling backwards and stopped again. Sage has never let me live that down.
Then...my train stopped again and I find myself looking at this "Do Not Hammer On Car" sign more than a normal cursory glance would suffice. I find myself regretful that I left my phone at home. That sign would make a great addition to my online "random signs" collection. Thank God I don't have a hammer. because at this point I just want to know...does someone sleep in there? Will it blow up if I hit it with a hammer? Is it really such a problem that they had to paint that sign on the side of that one car?
The other car that I'm looking at just has graffiti tags on it. It's that dark red color, with a sign that says, in small, white letters : DO NOT RUN CAR WITH HATCHES OPEN. Well...that makes sense.
I'm a little thankful for this time. Other cars and trucks are scurrying around, turning about to find their way around the train/obstacle. I know the only way is 6 miles west of me, and with my luck the train will have moved by then...like grocery store or bank lines.
The railroad crossing lights are flashing in time to the song from my ipod. Yeah, I have my ipod...just not my phone.
There's an old black man in his car, next to mine. He has been here as long as me. We are the two holding our place, making our stand. He isn't phased anymore than me. He's reading his newspaper while I'm reading my book, listening to my music, and writing. The woman behind me is drinking her coffee...slowly...like she knows it doesn't matter if the train shoots by now, or not.
I'm thinking of pulling into the feed store that is just to my right. They have pretty hummingbird feeders in the window, and a cool dog on the porch who is watching the cars stop, wait, and then leave.
So...this is more of a diary I guess. Lately I've been lazy and not added links or hashtags, but I'll go back at some point to do so.
Also these links may not have much as I have updated them in EVER:
WAVES are the blogs I like to read.
WHIRLPOOLS ... a way through the water to other places.
Woosh! Splash' ... my poetry and random creative thoughts
ABOUT ME doesn't really tell you a whole lot about me right now. It might, later.
CLICK ON THE BLOG TITLES after you read the blog, if you wish - they will link you to other places. (This wont work for the past few blogs...I didn't link anything)
