Thursday, November 12, 2009

Andy

Yeah, Andy. It's amazing that one human being can, without his knowledge, be my ups and my downs and my meloncholy and my joy. He is my Champion in my battle with self-esteem and feelings of being worthy vs. being worthless, and he doesn't even know it. He is the gauge by which I can monitor my level of sanity and reasonable thought. And if I am at that higher level of insanity - which I like to call "neurotic" and blame on hormones - he is right there next to me, open enough for me to share my neurotic thought patterns, and listening and acting like I'm not being completely psycho. He's my best friend and my Knight. That Knight. The one in shining armor. My best friend. My person I can call when I'm super-highly-irritable and have me laughing in 60 seconds or less. I can be walking around thinking I am invisible, and in one phone conversation I feel like I am important to people and what I have to say means something, even though he didn't know I felt invisible to begin with.

I think what I am trying to say is that he is the real thing. He may not be "the one". I don't really believe that exists anymore, although I do feel like there are a select few who come very close to that. But, he is the real thing. He treats me like I am important, and inspirational, and magical, and beautiful - even when I'm naked! He is the first human I could ever be naked in front of, and not be self-conscious and hyperconscious of every extra roll, or cellulitic dent in my body. I've never had that.

My point in sharing this with anyone, at the risk of it being TMI, is that I can tell, by the simple existence of this relationship, that I have healed. I have healed from the psychological predictions that my childhood experiences afforded me. I have healed from the misconceptions my mother and grandmothers have ingrained into me. I have healed from being speechless, from having no voice. I have healed from being completely used, hurt, and abused by the relationships I have chosen to participate in before now. I have healed from MOST (not all) of my self esteem and self-worth issues...and I did all of that before I realized we were going down that "path". The one I really wanted to walk with him.

So I'm here to tell those who haven't found that yet, that you can and will. And I'm here to tell those who have that - thank you for being proof that it exists - even if it seems fleeting to some of us who get to experience it.

And...to everyone else who doesn't even know this blog exists...there is no time frame. You will meet him when you meet him. Things are moving at their own magical pace for each of us and I (nor should you) feel an obligation to rush that pace or make things happen that aren't ready to happen. I tried that more than once, and was severely disappointed - just because I was trying to make other people happy, or fulfill some bizarre expectations I have accumulated from others during my life.

Now I have to pee - for the 47th time today. So I sign off with the video of my song for him. Yeah, gag, puke, whatever you want, but this is the song that is him. Goodnight!!


One More Thing

If you go back to my last post, and click on "Synchronicity" and then, click on the hyperlink on the webpage that says "Synchronicity" it will take you to a page (linked here) that talks about people going the web to read about synchronicity, which inevitably leads them to that website, blah blah blah. One of the synchronicities that site talks about is the time 11:11.

Now look at the time of my last post.

Synchronicity


So, okay. I'm completely fascinated with you people who can sit down and so clearly write your deepest thoughts and feelings. I used to be able to do that; when I was in a bad relationship, angry, upset, or just needed to vent. But the good things, the things that I see and experience on a daily basis, I am less likely to write about. Those things are fleeting, and when I see or think about them I want to write a lot or my mind always goes into a poem or an instant camera to take a picture of it. But usually I'm driving and if you know me at all you know that it is only moments before my next distraction and "poof" there goes the old one.

A good example is the link attached to this entry. I always like to find a link of some sort to go with the title, even if it isn't exactly what I mean, but close. It was about synchronicity, and then all of these other links distracted me and I wanted to go visit them all before I even wrote this entry. So...just keep in mind I haven't read the link.

MY POINT IS that I am going to start a creative writing memory project. When I see things while I am driving, and I don't always have a camera or the superpower to stop time while I'm driving to take a picture of what I see, I am going to try to write about it as soon as I can, in as creative of a way that I can, so you can see it the way I saw it. Of course, this may be the only entry about it, because I'll forget and move onto something else, but hopefully not.

My first entry, and the reason I titled this Synchronicity is from a couple of weeks ago. I had just downloaded new songs to my ipod and was listening to them on my way to work. The song I was listening to is called "Timebomb" and it's by Beck. I don't remember the words or song as much as I remember the title, because at the time I was driving behind a very large truck that was carrying something I didn't recognize. It looked like a pod, or a ball of giant bars, or...a time bomb. So of course I had to risk my life, and everyone else's and take out my phone and take a picture (one of the few times I will be able to do this in relation to my "moment"). So I took a picture of the wierd ball...listening to the song Timebomb...and noticed that the brand name of the truck, as listed on the plate attached to the back of it said "Infinity". Not like the car. Just a metal plate with the word Infinity, while I'm listeing to a song called Timebomb and the truck is carrying what could very well have been (from that dimension) a time bomb.