Aaand that's a big nope. 

It was fun while it lasted.
It was an exercise in living in the moment.
It was a test of sorts, to see if I have learned anything.

It turns out that I have. 

These two things showed up on my browser page today, almost as an affirmation:

Fact of the day:
Happy people embrace failure. Failing is a way to figure out what works, and then making changes that lead to happiness and success. - Provided by FactRetriever.com 

Thought of the day:
"Look with favour upon a bold beginning." - Virgil 

So yeah. It was a bold beginning. It was super fun, and the first time I just let it evolve without thinking about it tooo much. He's a fun and happy-go-lucky person and treated me with respect which is more than I can say about most. In the end, though, there were a couple of important personal boundaries that were crossed. I was able to recognize them and acknowledge them instead of ignoring and avoiding. Not without sadness, but I don't think that those things are ever easy, especially with someone you enjoy on so many other levels. It's progress. 

I've been wanting to write for a bit, and I had a lot to say. I don't now, for some reason. I'm hopeful. I'm intrigued. I'm curious. I'm drawn to him. He makes me laugh. His smile melts my heart. Isn't that enough for now? 

Okay Halloween.

 I miss RJ being my Halloween partner in crime. I truly miss my friend, but he is a man. I couldn’t really expect him to value true friendship, could I? They always seem to want more.

My costume this year was Mother Nature. Body by Christian, Costume by Kierstin and Kimberly. 

Sage joined us. THEN…in what turned out to be a Halloween marathon…it was really Halloween. I dressed like a Pirate, handed out candy, and then went to the MAX for many Jello shots and as much TRON as I wanted. 

Then there was a food truck…and something about nachos. THEN…you thought I was finished, didn’t you?...THEN Sage and I went to KENTUCKY!!! It only made the awesome week awesomer because I got to see my favorite people in my favorite place to be at my favorite time of the seasons. It was so great for my spirit, and the bond between me n Sagey. 

THEN…haha got you again…when I got back – THE NIGHT THAT I GOT BACK – I went to a benefit concert for Leonard Peltier with the most crazy awesome lineup of musicians and talent and … something sacred. Joe Ely, John Densmore, Keith Secola, Jessi Coulter, Shooter Jennings, Peter Coyote, KRIS FREAKING KRISTOFFERSON, Rita Coolidge, Arlo Guthrie, and a totally unexpected (to me) Jayme Johnson – I had no knowledge of his existence until that night and I felt like I’d practically met Jesus. His voice, man. They ended the show with ALL my favorite gospel songs mashed into one. I couldn’t help but dancing my ass off. THEN…(this is the last one, I promise)…I met KRIS KRISTOFFERSON HIMSELF!!! I GOT TO HOLD HIS HAND AND TALK TO HIM. I MET ONE OF THE HIGHWAYMEN IN PERSON, and the family of one of the others. I am so thrilled and honored. *sigh. Twelve days of complete joy and life experiences. 

THEN…okay I told you last one, so just read the end of my last post xoxo

Experiments

I have been doing experiments.

Sage is well - and there's a new chapter 'could be included in experiments. I love her so much.

Halloween Happened...I'll write about that

Met Kris Kristofferson...more there

RJ decided friendship isn't really a priority to him

early am gym is working out...if not difficult.

I cut the cable chord, switched to streaming, gave Sage half of her bills to start paying, and I"m still overdrawn. How do I crawl out of this??

These are all things I want to write about. I will.

And...I met someone.
That's what I'm posting about. I met someone.

This is him. I think I have known him forever somehow.

I question(ed) everything at first. Then...at the point where I felt a duty to slow things down, and act opposite of my instincts and desire...I did the opposite. I threw caution to the wind. I gave in. I decided that this time, I am going to jump in with both feet, I'm going to wear my heart on my sleeve, say what I think, bask in the attention instead of distrusting it, and return the warm, seemingly genuine energy being directed at me. (me!) .I am going to risk losing someone by being honest, and trusting him at the same time.

I may be writing my next relationship obituary, but I am going to enjoy being called baby, and other nicknames like Lil miss badass, and all that. I'm going to enjoy feeling warm fuzzy and being honest enough to give someone else warm fuzzies.

I do want to find a solid foundation. God, family values, an interest in running a household together...the way things should be. Is it this easy? Did I find someone that easy?

If so, I thank God.

Update 12/12/17 - nope. But I'm not deleting this post because it DID feel good and I DID enjoy it and he IS a good person who will find his forever someone like I will. I think it was good for both of us.

It seems the main thing that tethers us to sanity is the ability to ignore the Bigger Picture, or at least ignore enough parts of it that we don't implode. I feel most un-tethered when I start feeling the realities that I cannot control - the existence of More - and struggle with the skill of focusing on the little tasks and facts that ground us. Today is one of those days. It doesn't help that I am very sleepy, and want to be alone and away from other people to just think, sleep, and write. 

Strange Days Indeed

Today feels weird. 

I know I'm awake, but I feel like I'm dreaming. I feel uneasy, tired, and I can't quite focus. 

I found out last night via text message that I got fired from my part time job that I have only had for two months (on Saturday and Sunday each week). On the one hand, I was worn out from working seven days per week, and I didn't ever really feel like I fit in, and sometimes I would think about quitting. On the other hand, I thought that I was doing well for a job I only worked two days per week and never really had more training than a few hours of "this is how this works" and then sink or swim after that. I thought I was swimming...or at least dog-paddling...until I got a text from my friend last night that said that we were not going to be on the schedule because Tally was unhappy with the evening shift. ("not on the schedule" is code for "you're fired") At first, I was so ecstatic! I have my weekends back!! I don't have to quit now!! I'm not going to be dead on my feet every Monday or miserable every Saturday and Sunday night! But then today the reality that I got fired for the first time ever is sinking in and I think my ego is a bit bruised. So I texted the owner and asked him why I got fired, and he told me that it was because no one ever trained me right, so when I ring up a ticket that a waitress wrote, if the waitress forgot to write the charge on the ticket, I'm not noticing it and therefore not charging the customer for it and he can't afford to be giving away free meals. Alrighty, then. I replied back "I understand. I didn't know I was doing that. Thank you." And so here I sit - pissed that no one bothered to properly train me, or at least point out my mistakes so I could learn from them, yet relieved that I don't have to go to work there anymore. Such a strange set of conflicting feelings. 

The weather is overcast and cold. I can hear jackhammers outside the building. I have a cold that seems to be rallying after I thought it was gone and it is making me more tired than usual (I feel like I'm always tired anymore). I'm itchy in random places. I am uneasy. (I know I mentioned that already but I just am.)

The headlines on my browser home page are as follows:
• Oklahoma lawmakers OK bill criminalizing performing abortion
• All 7 crew members safe as B-52 crashes on Guam
• Colorado movie theater isn't liable for 2012 mass shooting
• Manning appeal seeks reversal of charges or reduced sentence
• Judge in Freddie Gray-officer trial grills prosecutors
• Cosby spends millions as lawsuits, criminal case rage on
• 9 deaths, no charges raise questions about oversight agency
• McCrory lawsuit against feds may shift narrative on LGBT law
• NASA's Valkyrie robots set the table for human life on Mars
• New penis recipient looks forward to being a 'complete' man

For some reason that combination of headlines adds to my unease. On the one hand, the State that I occupy has done the unthinkable (and unconstitutional). And on the flip side of that some guy just got a penis replacement. I have thoughts on the other headlines, both good and bad, but these headlines wear me out and they don't seem real. Nothing seems real right now and maybe that's why I feel so uneasy. I kind of just want to go home and sleep until tomorrow. 

I did it!

I turned 47 last week. And at 47, I weigh less than I did at 27. Also, I'm stronger. If you scroll down to past posts you can see what I used to look like. This is what I look like today:

I weigh 129 pounds and my body fat percentage is 22.9%

Here is a before I started training/now comparison:

My goal now is to get to 20% body fat percentage, then to maintain that and learn how to figure out my own training program. I hate running, but some day I'd like to run those fun 5K runs that some of my friends do - and enjoy it. 

I still eat a 95% Paleo menu, although on the lifestyle end of things I am not getting as much sleep as I should be. I have started trying to go to bed earlier but even with Daylight Savings that isn't an easy feat for me. 

I have come to the realization that I couldn't have discovered Paleo at a better time, as it turns out I am experiencing symptoms of premenopause. Body temperature fluctuations (not just hot flashes, but first I get so cold, and then there is the hot flash, and then I'm cold again) restlessness/insomnia/waking up often during the night, mood fluctuations (thank you Xanax) and other little subtle or not-so-subtle things that mess with my biology. All of this will exist regardless, but it is lessened by the way I have been eating for the past 18 months, I think. I'm still doing some research. 

Another thing I am researching is how this diet affects blood lipid levels. My triglycerides are lower than ever - 62, but my cholesterol is up - both good and bad cholesterol. So, I am now researching how eating Paleo can effect one's "bad cholesterol" and how to fix that. More on that later. 

Now I must venture off to Tuesday night training, even though I'm sleepy, achy, and short of breath (stupid allergies). I'm making myself go because I AM that strong and once I start moving and lifting I will feel much better. TTFN

PMS or First World Problems?

All of the headlines on my Yahoo page read like a tabloid. Is there no news today, or did someone new get the Tuesday Sensationalism job? They're doing a bang-up job. "Behemoth" Daddy Longlegs, CIA Releases Secret UFO Pics, something about the Jenners, something about Rhonda Rousey dating someone's husband, "Amazing" photo of woman who looks like a hotel corridor "Goes Viral" - give me a fucking break. She had on a shirt that matched the wall. Someone got paid to write about that. I'm in the wrong business. I wouldn't mind getting paid to write stupid headlines and non-stories. Although, now that I think about it, I would rather be the person who finds the pictures that match the headlines - the ones of famous people's facial expressions.

Work is irritating today. People who don't normally irritate me are making me snap at the people who do [normally irritate me]. I'd be more specific but someone might read this someday. 

I'm sick. I haven't been sick since last March. This is just a cold, and day 3 of the cold, but I'm pissed off that I got sick. I was doing so well. And, while I would like to go home and sleep all day that just won't help so here I am at work being pissed off and writing about it. 

People are driving weird. I almost got hit twice on the way to work. I was driving in the left lane, and two separate cars just meandered into my lane WHILE I WAS IN IT and either realized at the last minute that I was there, or they just meandered back. The first one almost gave me a heart attack, and when I looked into my rear-view mirror afterwards, they stayed in their right lane but kept swerving a little to the left. Even some of the cars in front of me were riding that middle line to the left of them. I wonder if that is a sign of how things are going to go in Iowa on Monday.

On a more random note...this reminds me of the day I went to work on a Saturday, and all of the vehicles downtown except mine were minivans. One almost ran into me, and the other two or three weren't really even driving in lanes. It was like I had wandered into a minivan farm, with minivans just bumbling along however they like. It could have been a scene straight out of CARS.

I was looking up links for how to deal with frustration and whether it is good for you to vent your problems or not. The first article I looked at said it isn't good for you. Fuck off. The second article gave 10 examples of how to deal with frustration. two examples were something reasonable I could do right now, one would get me committed, two or three would make me cry, another one is impossible at this time in my life, five would result in sweat, three are things I hate doing, and a couple would just put me to sleep at this point in time.

So, yeah.

There are times in life, when, no matter how hard you have tried to hold back the bad memories and experiences something inevitably happens to break the dam. Today is one of those days.

13 months. 
That is how long it has been. 13 months.
I have lost 54 pounds.
I still eat Paleo, with maybe 1 "cheat day" per week.
I work out 5-6 days per week, 3 of those days are strength training. 
I take Zumba and Hip-Hop fitness dance classes. Classes!! I used to have panic attacks in classes! I still might, if there were more people, but the place I go to has smallish classes and the women I have been dancing with are some of my new favorite people. 

Here are pictures of my journey:

Beginning weight - 185-190 pounds +/-:

I am almost embarrassed to post those, but I only have 3 followers so I don't mind that much, LOL. The first two, I had taken on purpose as "before" pictures, in case I ever lost weight. The third was the week before I made the decision to do it. I was lifting my arms to show my friend I had shorts on under my "fat dress" to keep my thighs from rubbing together.

I avoided having my picture taken again for a while, until I had an evening with Mary, learning to sew Christmas projects. 

I was about 173 lbs here, I think. I had lost enough for people who hadn't seen me in a while to notice that I had dropped some weight. 

Then came Winter. I was losing an average of 5-6 lbs per month using a combination of MFP (myfitnesspal) and Paleo. So in these photos I was in my 160 lbs:

 About 165 lbs

About 163 lbs

161 lbs

Valentines Day came around and I had lost another 5-6 lbs, putting me at 156 lbs:

In March, I went to New York, where it was very cold. I had gotten down to about 156 lbs but gained a few pounds while I was there because it was my birthday and I ate however I wanted, and drank beer:

This was at Lake George, about 156-159 lbs.

When I got back from vacation, I quickly dropped my vacation weight, and was back down to about 153 lbs within a couple of weeks:

 Got my hair cut at 148 lbs

Took my next set of progress photos either just before or just after I got my hair cut, at 145-148 lbs.

At this point, I had lost 45 pounds mainly by changing my diet. I was exercising occasionally but not seriously and I had been reading about being "skinny fat". 5 pounds away from my first weight loss goal (140 lbs, in the "normal" BMI category). So, I signed up for fitness classes and hired a personal trainer. Here are my "before" shots at 145 pounds:

I gained about 4 pounds after I started working out because I didn't realize how to adjust my calories. staying on a 1200 +/- calorie daily intake, I managed to get back to the 145 lbs I started with, but it took longer since I was building muscle at the same time.

By my anniversary date of September 2, I weighed 139.5 lbs!!! Here is a picture of me and Sage the week after that:

50 lbs lost in 52 weeks! A steady, normal way to lose weight and keep it off! So happy! 

And as of this posting, i weigh 136 lbs. Here is a picture of me with some of my Zumba friends last Friday night:

In my next entry I will re-post a before picture, and the most current after picture, along with my before and after body weight, measurements, body fat percentage, etc. This has been such a fun project! Ta ta for now!!