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So, yeah.
Empty Nest Syndrome II is my new invention. It is what I am calling the second phase of my child's journey into independence and adulthood.
I kind of set myself up for this by a) being a single parent and b) only having one child. If I had a partner with whom I had raised my daughter, I could lean on him for distraction, support, and sporadic fights about how I'm being too dramatic. Instead, I am both roles. If I had had another child, I could wholly devote my life to it and transfer any feelings of loss to that remaining child, smothering it with attention and extra time and excessive interest in its personal life thus relieving my first child of the brunt of my inexplicable feelings of loss and fuzzy boundaries.
Furthermore, I have a clearly dysfunctional relationship with my only child daughter. We talk when things get tough. I don't try to control her very much because she makes good choices and I trust her to continue to do so 98% of the time. We rarely disagree, and therefore we rarely fight. If we do disagree, we have a discussion about it. If we know that a discussion will lead to a fight, we usually table the topic until our emotions have chilled out. When we do "fight" it is logical and respectful and mature. If necessary there are apologies. *sigh What is a mother to do?
I'm sorry. I left you hanging with "Wait what?" because, Empty Nest I.
THAT Empty Nest Syndrome is when your (only) child lives with (only) you her whole life, and then moves to college all of a sudden and you are left at home looking at the cats like "have you done your homework?" THAT Empty Nest Syndrome is the emotional equivalent of being plucked out of your busy, colorful life and dropped into...Outer Space. That's what they call the regular Empty Nest Syndrome. They say it isn't a real medical condition but that if it lasts more than a couple weeks to take a couple aspirin and call a psychiatrist. So, a year later I did. It helped. Until now.
Now I'm realizing that there is a next phase to this damn thing that isn't a medical condition. It happens when said kid has been at college for several years, making their own plans and decisions on a daily basis without consulting you, and then they continue to do it when they aren't at college. *screeching brakes "Wait what?"
Yes. Empty Nest Syndrome II. The moment you realize that your adult child is of legal age and can and will make plans and decisions without consulting you first. And, news flash - you still don't have that second parent or still-at-home kid with lots of attention being poured into its life. And the cats can't go on vacation with you. So, it's back to Outer Space for you!
Seriously, though. I have spent the past 2-3 years rediscovering myself, finding new interests, and letting my daughter be the adult I raised her to be. It is known that single child/single parent relationships are closer than most because the two forge their way in the world together. Together, we have been forging the past few years through the world apart - together. So yes, ENSI was difficult. But I got through it, as did she (I don't think they know it exists.) This part, though, this part is fuzzy. When does it become okay for me to say "I come first because I grew you" and when is that inappropriate? I feel like, as long as she calls our home her home away from college, and I'm paying her car and health insurance and cell phone bill and doing what it takes to get her through school, that the time that we usually spend together should be up for discussion before she starts making adult decisions all over the place. i.e. I still get to have input into non-college-time decisions.
So. ENSII is all about that. Its about how... now that you have embraced your mostly very empty nest, and you and your adult child have begun refining your separate identities, you have to figure out how to share it with this new adult that you grew from egghood, and how to live together as separate adults. How much of their new adult life should you expect to share with them? What level of adult are they if they are still living at home? What are the rules? What are the boundaries? What is too much, and what is not enough? Why do I feel like I'm losing her all over again when I still get irritated that she hasn't cleaned her room, she still misses me and wants to spend time with me, and she still eventually comes home? I guess I just wait two weeks and if it isn't gone I'll take two aspirin and call a psychiatrist.
PS - I am NOT that mom who feels it necessary to insist my adult child move out of the house. As long as we can maintain a peaceful coexistence, I would rather her enjoy what is left of her childhood plus have a safe place to come home to, until she is too grown up even to do that (spoiler alert: ENSIII)
Growing up is hard. Even at my age.
Tomorrow will mark the 3 month anniversary of my Paleo adventure.
I have lost at least 22 pounds to date.
In celebration Out of necessity I bought two new pairs of jeans yesterday. The jeans I have been wearing since this summer are either falling off of me, or I can pull them down without unbuttoning them. I only bought two pairs because I have an entire bag of jeans that are the next size down and I don't plan on being this size for more than another couple of months.We'll see, right?
The best things that have come out of this journey so far (besides losing weight) are good health, good friends, cooking experiments, and new habits.
I haven't been sick in months, in spite of a couple close calls with various bugs that travel around an office. I could almost feel my body repel any hint of the virus taking control of my body. The only negative health issues I have had to deal with have been seasonal allergies and the lethargy and sniffles that come with that, and the time my right arm got the flu after a flu shot. lol
My friends have been amazing. They let me yammer on about Paleo this and that, and they even exercise with me, share recipes and free paleo books with me, or are on different weight loss or health journeys. We talk about many of the things that happen in our lives, but we dwell on the good or the solutions rather than wallowing in the bad or negative. Where there is good there will always be bad. The trick is to use one to overcome the other. The people who I feel closest to in my life right now have been through rough times and emerge victorious. With the right energy we can all emerge victorious.
We can only do that if we change our habits, though. While few in number, I have changed some habits over the past few months. I keep a tidy kitchen, now. I clean a part of my home and/or do laundry each weekend (sometimes it is the same part of my home, but I can go to work on Monday with a feeling of "yes, I did something besides sit on the couch".) I drink less often, and when I do drink alcohol it is dry white wine - which luckily is my favorite. I haven't had beer or tequila in months. I think about tequila sometimes, and then I think about how I am going to feel the next day and I stop thinking about it. I exercise at least twice a week (see amazing friends section lol) - usually more than that.
The best part, though, and the part that still hasn't burned me out, is cooking. I LOVE to experiment with cooking! In the past few months, I have cooked with lamb, duck, Thai eggplants, Fish Sauce, short ribs, beef tenderloin, and a few other things new to me. I have learned how to make stock/broth, save and cook with animal fats, rotate and cook vegetables and meat before they go bad, and cook and freeze food so that I always have something to take with me for lunch! I still have so much more to learn!
Thanks for keeping up with me on this journey. I am so enjoying watching my path unfold before my eyes, and even though there are always going to be road blocks and speed bumps (which I will also write about some days...) there is always a detour to get back on the good road.
PS - Next time I'll post links to great recipes! This time I posted some good Paleo links for you to check out over there ---------> > >
Poor and Gluten Free (with Oral Allergy Syndrome): Oral Allergy Syndrome:
Recipes, Information and Articles on Oral Allergy Syndrome a.k.a. Food Pollen Allergy *Living with Oral Allergy Syndrome Cookbook now...
I can't believe I found the above site. OAS PLUS recipes and all Gluten-free which can be adapted to a Paleo diet.
While I was a vegetarian (I'm not anymore) I was our chef's nightmare. I didn't eat meat, I am allergic to most raw fruits and vegetables, and I strongly dislike melons and cucumbers. Pretty much the easiest things for me to eat are mushrooms, lettuces, berries, grapes, orange citrus, and ripe bananas. It was easier to explain what I could eat, than what I couldn't. The Poor and Gluten Free (with Oral Allergy Syndrome) website has charts and lists about OAS foods and the pollen allergies they are associated with. Did I mention recipes? They have recipes!
It wasn't until years ago, while I was watching the old CBS Early show with Chris Wragge that I realized that what I was experiencing could be something that other people experienced too. There were two shows wherein they had raw fruit to taste and cook and he couldn't eat either fruit - peaches or pears. Peaches were the first food I was ever allergic to. I had cut one up as usual to put on my cereal, I took a couple bites, and BAM - I wanted to scrape out the inside of my mouth with a sharp razor blade. It was such a miserable feeling. Next, came carrots. Then, celery.
As I have gotten older, even more food items have followed and are still developing. Basically I am allergic to everything on the Birch Pollen food allergy list except tomatoes and some peppers. I am also allergic to Avocado. I always just say "I'm allergic to anything raw with a pit, seed-core or that is a nut." I am allergic to almost every single ingredient in a Waldorf Salad. They should just call it "Death by OAS salad"And I also find it interesting that I have ragweed allergies and strongly dislike everything on that list except for honey and bananas. (i.e. melon-type foods)
Enter the Paleo part of this equation.
Why on earth would anyone with food allergies start eating only fruits, vegetables, and healthy meats? Well, this is where it gets interesting. As I came to find out, and as is mentioned in the linked website, All of the OAS foods that I react to, I am able to eat once they cease to be raw. I can eat them cooked, canned, pickled, toasted, roasted, etc. Also, I have eliminated non-OAS yet questionable foods such as dairy, legumes, and grains. While I would have OAS reactions to raw wheat products, the others that I eliminated caused other issues within my system like bloating, tiredness, intestinal issues, etc. I haven't had to take a Tums or Pepcid since I started eating Paleo (we're almost to the 2 month mark). By researching so many Paleo recipes I am learning to once again eat the foods I have avoided for so long because of OAS. I'm learning how to cook them correctly, and to incorporate more variety into my diet. Ironic, huh? Cut out three entire food groups and my diet becomes more colorful. That's Paleo for you (and Gluten free eating for others).
Enough rambling and speculation. The bottom line is, for people with OAS it IS possible to eat many of the foods you are allergic to, and the Poor and Gluten Free website is a treasure for those of us experiencing food allergies, and/or are eating Paleo with OAS. To me, it is yet another light in my formerly dark kitchen where I was afraid of fresh food, grocery shopping, and cooking.
6 weeks Paleo!!
Well, I feel great.
I have gotten my grocery shopping down to a science - an enjoyable one, at that. Now that I have my cabinets stocked with the spices, oils, and vinegar that I want, and I have the pans and cooking utensils I want, and I have several kinds of back-up groceries in the freezer, I am finding that it is easier to grocery shop. Now it is simply a matter of going to the store to get what I run out of, which is usually spinach and/or kale, eggs, fresh meat, etc. "Perimeter of Grocery Store" kind of stuff. While more expensive, organic fruits and vegetables are still produce, and not very hard on the grocery bill. I'm finding that when I'm not spending money on packaging and branding my grocery money turns into more/better groceries.
I'm becoming a better cook. (slowly) Well, okay I'm just enjoying cooking now. I haven't had a horrible cooking disaster in at least a week or two. Saturday evening's salmon was edible and except for the amount of smoke in the house after I finished cooking it, I would consider it a success. Note to self: get more experience cooking salmon. Last night, I sort of followed a recipe for and successfully produced a (sweet potato) Taco Shepherd's Pie that I am eating right now and LOVING. I got the recipe from The Lucky Penny blog and YUM! It is the first thing I have made that really does taste as good as it smells!
I feel inspired. I don't know if it is this particular Mercury Retrograde, if it is my new lifestyle (after 6 weeks I can call it a lifestyle and not a diet) or if I am experiencing a mood swing, but wow. I look at my kitchen and suddenly I see all of this space I can use differently by trashing cookbooks and old "kitchen stuff" that have just been gathering dust over the years. YEARS OF SPACE I CAN USE! That vision is seeping out to other parts of my house where I see and am inspired to re-create the space by getting rid of old things to make room for healthy space. I want to create things and fix things and organize things and move things. I want the air I breathe to be clean and smell good. I want the space I cook in to be functional and clean and pretty. The best part is that I have the energy and motivation to make these things happen. I have done more to improve my life in the past six weeks than I have in the past few years. I feel like I am waking up from hibernation.
I am healthier. I gave up caring about how much I weigh. The way I see it, if I am exercising and eating right it doesn't matter how fast I lose weight or what size my clothes are - I'm healthy. There isn't a whole heck of a lot else I can do to lose weight. This is the last frontier - I'm there. Either I'll lose weight or I won't and if I don't I'll be a medical anomaly. I refuse to step on a scale again until next week. I realize that with what I just said I should be okay with never stepping on a scale again but I'm still a girl who enjoys seeing the numbers drop, if only a little. And, my tummy pooch is getting smaller and I can see some muscle definition invading the space of the pooch. Pretty soon the pooch will lose. Ha!
So far, with the exception of my little stumbling block last post that could actually be contributed to the waning effects of "low carb flu" I'm doing and feeling great! I'm having to restrain myself from telling everyone to go Paleo - yet I understand that this is a personal journey that speaks to me right now and may not work for everyone.
So for now, I feel good! And I hope this feeling just continues to reshape me as this is all happening at the perfect time in my life.
Paleo Week Four. I'm not giving up, nope.
On the bright side, I don't crave anything, not even cheese. (Yes the earth stopped spinning for a sec)
Besides that, ugh.
So I have been all excited and powered up about this Paleo journey. I jumped in with both feet, gave away all that food I didn't need (feeling a little guilty that I was enabling other people eat that kind of food), started cooking a lot and loving it, and even started keeping my kitchen cleaner and more organized. I started walking more, going to the gym, and added strength training to my schedule. Everything was peachy, until I weighed myself this past week. I had lost four and a half more pounds, but the body composition paper said I had gained fat, and lost muscle and water. WTF?! With all of my new exercise and eating habits, how the heck did I lose muscle and gain fat??
Well.
First, I guess I wasn't supposed to weigh in and do my body analysis on the first day of my period. Oops - that makes sense...a little.
Second, calories. When doing Paleo, it's all about "don't count calories, don't worry about how often or when you eat, just eat when you are hungry" and of course, eat the right foods. Apparently that only means if you are eating your weight in meat and vegetables. Do you know how much natural food it takes to equal the amount you need to get through the day without crashing the moment you get home from work??? Sheesh! So, I broke ranks and started counting calories. I added up my calories from just breakfast and lunch today (and I ate a lot and was full after both meals) and I only had eaten 512 calories. 512. That's not enough to keep a kitten alive! So, I made a list of all the food I have at home that I could eat in order to catch up on my calories ( there is a magic number for my weight, weight loss goals, overall health, blah blah) and managed to squeeze in 487 more calories. So, in spite of the rules I'm gonna have to count calories for a few days to get a picture of how much more I need to eat in a day.
Third, whatever. This week I have read so many articles about food, protein, muscles, fat, Paleo dos and don'ts, (which often conflict each other based on the source) and the science of our bodies. What I have gotten from it all is that everyone's body is different but we all have to eat certain amounts of protein and carbohydrates like it or not. There goes my "Naked and Afraid" approach.
So, my food and exercise journey is going to consist of figuring out the percentage of plant proteins (nuts) v. animal proteins (meat) v. healthy fats, plus or minus the amount of fruit servings, divided by the number of times I can't sneeze because I did too many ab crunches, times the square root of too much cardio (yes there is such a thing apparently).
I had no idea I was signing up for Rocket Science.
I have been thinking a lot about Purpose.
For the past few years I have been wandering around in different clouds of depression, oftentimes just going through the motions because I am alive and have to do something. Until Sage went to college, my purpose was to raise her well. My "I am here to..." was "raise my daughter to be a bright, contributing, functional member of society" and now that she is in college I guess my purpose has grown legs of its own and doesn't need me as much.
So now what? I find myself asking the same questions I asked a much younger me. Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? What is my purpose in life? Well, I saw this Alicia Keys video yesterday or so, and it gave me the script to begin answering this question. "I am here to..."
I am coming closer to re-defining what that is or what it could be. I am starting to think that my Purpose is the sum of all of its parts plus how I choose to live my future. I think that right here and now "I am here to...be a light in dark places, have faith and hope where none seems possible, and to share that with others as best as possible."
Today.
I have been on the Paleo diet since a week ago Tuesday. That is 12 days. Anyone following this blog knows how inconsistent I am in my attempts to create a cohesive theme in this blog, anything more than random comments that don't have anything to do with each other. I'm hoping this time is different.
In the past four years, I have gained at least 20 pounds. The bigger I get, the less confident I become. Don't get me wrong, I have tried to embrace my image and I am fully aware that there are men who enjoy "bigger girls". But I know this - I am a voluptuous short-ish person who will never be thin because that isn't how I was built. I was build with an evolution to large breasts post-childbirth, a round, full ass that I have been blessed with since I was young. I am a quintessential "hourglass shape" with danger of becoming more apple if I hadn't taken further steps.
Up until now, I have tried diet upon diet. I had a 3-month stint of being fit by personal trainer, but I burned out and stopped exercising (gained my weight back and then some).
My ancestors which I resemble most closely were also shortish, large-bosomed, round women with a very strong will. *cough
So, I accept I inherited those genes. I am resigned to always be soft, and round. I have been with men, romantically, who refer to me as soft Kimberly - in an endearing and appreciative way. My body is that of a woman and I have no desire to change looking like a woman.
Having said that, I have been embarrassed and ashamed of my latest weight gain. I was eating right, as far as I knew, and my main vice was beer. Admittedly, while I was having regular sex, my blood pressure was lower and I was a bit thinner, but I choose not to take that route right now (I have the option)
I started reading - and after the things I read I was sure that the main culprits were wheat and beer and milk products. They say that my middle is the result of stress but honestly I do not carry much stress these days. Things happen, I process them and let them go.
My second appointment with my Psychiatrist, who had lost so much weight during the three months that flew by before I saw her again that I thought she was seriously ill, stopped her day of "down to business" and listened to me and gave me a diet. She didn't give me a bunch of handouts that didn't make sense, she wrote down a diet. A way of eating that might help to polish up my mood and my sense of self. It was a rare moment in this day of detached doctors treating symptoms. What she ended up describing was a Paleo diet. A diet I have come to understand will be a way of life.
First, it was about the food I could and couldn't eat. I could eat meat, fresh veggies and fruits, seeds and nuts, healthy oils. Pretty simple, except that I didn't cook and there isn't a Paleo fast food restaurant yet. I'm falling asleep so I will say this - I am learning how to cook, how to organize my kitchen and therefore a light under my butt to organize my whole life to reflect this very basic way of eating and preparing food, and creating a lifestyle to surround these priorities.
