Thursday, December 30, 2010

My New Theme Song

So. This is how it's gonna be. I read a quote today, one that we have all heard before: “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” -Alexander Graham Bell

After my post yesterday, I had a long conversation with my glass of wine (okay, I had a few glasses/conversatoins and a couple shots of Barenjager...life changing, let me tell you). I decided that it is definitely time for an attitude adjustment, and one that will last for a while. I decided that I'm tired of being sad, but that doesn't mean that I have to keep being sad. So, I'm letting that go. The people I lost, Andy included, aren't coming back. I can choose to remember the good things and move forward, or I can choose to wallow in this heartbreak that is threatening to cripple me. I choose forward. 

Then I read that quote this morning, and I thought "Damn straight!"

I'm going to walk through my open door. Not only that, I'm going to hurricane-proof the old door. That door really sucked and it needs to stay closed. 

The first stop through my new door is Denver. I know exactly 1 person there. I bought my own plane ticket, I'm staying in LoDo and I bought a ticket to see G.Love and Special Sauce open for Widespread Panic. When G is finished, I'm going out on the town and watching the fireworks at midnight!! And when those fireworks go off, I am going to celebrate and open my heart to good things and happiness and sunshine and rainbows...and fairies and unicorns LOL.

Seriously, though, I CHOOSE light. I CHOOSE happiness. I CHOOSE to let go of my anger and my sadness and my bitterness and all that other yukky stuff and rise above it.

It's a new dawn, a new day, a new life...for me...and I'm feeling good..

Here - I'll share the lyrics of the Nina Simone version:

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel

(refrain)

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
                                                                        

A new birth, a new me, a new year, new new new!


 

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Enough Already!!

I'm just tired of being sad all the time.
Today, we lost another friend after her vicious battle with Leukemia.
I have felt so much loss this year...on so many levels.
I just want it to stop for a while.
It feels like there is a black hole between my heart and soul, and with each loss it gets bigger.

It's time for some light, and happiness, and hope.

Please.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

you smell like beef and cheese..,.



Elf is one of my most favorite movies. Sometimes, I feel like him. A kid/elf in a grownup body, trying to make it in the year of now. It's difficult. You have to act like a grownup...know about politics and business and stuff like that...know how to 'PROPERLY' handle a realtionship (whatthefuckever) and pay bills and clean house and stuff. Sheesh, I'm lucky I was able to raise a kid because, frankly, I totally identify with Buddy.

Is that scary?

why men love bitches

So I asked myself that age-old question that many of us have asked - why do men love bitches? Even more, how do I become one of those bitches?

Well. I'm reading this book that my niece reccomended. (It's actually called Why Men Love Bitches) She has an amazing marraige, a beautiful new baby, and is a strong young woman. I am so proud of her.

I'm about 2/3 of the way through the book, and there are many parts that make me go "aaaaah - now I get it". One statement in particular. "She [a bitch] just doesn't make decisions based on the fear of losing a man". THAT I can understand. In fact, most of that chapter resonated with me for various reasons that I won't really go into right now.

Then there are other parts that piss me off because I don't agree with "pretending" you are someone else especially for a man - that whole "laugh at his jokes, pretend not to know how to use power tools, let him feel like the man" is bullshit. Or it should be. Is it even possible that there is a man out there who is confident enough to keep his self-esteem, and still be intrigued by and love a woman in spite of the fact that she is sweet AND can mow a lawn, and fill up the windshield wiper fluid, and use power tools, and she even enjoys it? If a woman has as much self esteem as this book advises, then why on earth would she want to pretend to be otherwise??

I'm still reading. I'll give a fully summary/synopsis/review when I'm finished. I just had to get that off my chest. I'm all about learning how to have more self esteem in a relationship, but not about pretending to be someone I am not. Hell, I might be single the rest of my life. Oh well. At least I can fix a lot of my own stuff, and hire someone to fix the stuff I can't.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

that whole breakup thing...



Elizabeth Kubler-Ross says that the five stages of grief are not stops on some linear timeline of grief. Not everyone experiences all of them and not everyone experiences them in the same order.



As I finally, and painfully, reach acceptance I am still left with this hole - this sadness of finally saying goodbye. And, she’s right. I didn’t go through them “in order” it went more like this:


Denial – complete disbelief that I was hearing what I was hearing. I felt pain, overwhelming confusion, shock, a strong feeling that we were experiencing a huge misunderstanding and we just needed to talk enough to realize it. I decided that if I said things just the right way he would understand that I thought he was breaking up with me when he wasn’t. (but, alas, he was). Such devastating excruciating pain in my solar plexus .


Kubler-Ross goes on to say that Denial is nature’s way of only letting in the little that we can handle as we struggle to make it through each day.


Depression – immediately set in as I realized what had happened. I’m still depressed. I have been depressed throughout these past six (or more) weeks. I’m even medicated, and yet it takes a simple statement, observation, song, or smell and a switch flips inside of me and all I can do I cry and try to escape. Eating is hard to do. Food feels like rocks in my stomach – added to the rock that my solar plexus has become. This depression has taken the other stages by the hand and stuck by like an old friend. That friend that makes you feel worse, even as you are trying to heal.


“grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever” (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross)


Bargaining – I couldn’t imagine how this would fit into my experiences. I didn’t even see it coming. But somehow I got him to agree to be “physically exclusive” while we tried to “work through this”. He agreed, even though he knew there wasn’t anything to work through. Somehow, though, it made everything easier to deal with knowing that he wouldn’t (immediately) be sleeping with anyone else. By doing this, I was prolonging things, though. I kept flipping back and forth between bargaining “if only I hadn’t done this, if only I hadn’t said that, if only I hadn’t gained a few pounds, or if I had tried to be sexier…if only” and denial “well, we’re still exclusive, even though he hasn’t made time to see me and rarely calls” and bargaining and denial at the same time “If I wait for this month while he is hunting, which I’m sure is why he hasn’t made much time for me, then things will be back to normal next month.” While the “agreement” did help me at that immediate time, I was simply negotiating my way out of the pain – which never really went away completely.


Anger – This is one that has simply flirted with my process. I could be angry if he had done something to cause the breakup, rather than just breaking up for no reason. There are things I have been angry about for brief moments, but he has been so patient with me and tried to do this the best way he is capable of, that there is little to be angry about, except that it happened at all. Anger is such an essential part of getting to acceptance that my lack of it is probably the reason I have spent so long in depression, denial, and bargaining.


Acceptance – I can feel it seeping in. The past two days I have woken up “knowing” it is over. I can go longer stretches of time without thinking about what was, and without wondering how I will ever find anyone else. I am still depressed. I’m still not “OK”, but I am closer to accepting that he wants to move on without me – whether there is a reason or not. THAT is my answer to my other questions that lead to bargaining and denial – he wants to move on without me. Period. I can’t change his mind. I can’t make him think of me when he doesn’t. I can’t make him feel what he doesn’t feel. I understand that now.


And I know something else. While I don’t have control over him, I have control over how I choose to live my life. I can choose to not continue a friendship with him (his form of bargaining, I believe). I can choose to stay in bed all day, or go outside and sit in the sun, or go play with friends. I can take as long as I need to do that AS LONG AS I KNOW that nothing I do will change the facts. And I know the facts now. I accept it. I hate it, and it hurts like hell, and I still cry at the drop of a hat, but I accept the truth of it.


Now for the healing.

Monday, October 4, 2010

well, crap.

Now, for the heartache and depression
Now, for the empty hole from losing my best friend
Now, for pretending to be happy when everyone else is
Now, for trying to find the energy to be present for my child
Now, for the loneliest feelings to drown me

I need a "numb" button.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Mariella

Another old post I started, and didn't post:

Mariella and her family just sat down in the seats that face us.
When she sat down, she stated (to no one in particular) "This is MYseat!"
...no one answered so she had to mention it one more time so Mummy and Daddy would take notice.
"Yes, you do have your own seat, Mariella, and you'll have your own seat on the airplane now that you're a big two year old!"
Satisfied, she sat in HER seat, and with her big bright eyes she surveyed the others sitting around her.
"What's that sleeping?" ... again, no answer.
"What's that sleeping?" ... still nothing
Knowing where she was going with this line of questioning (repeat until someone answers) I was ready when she asked again, pointing straight ahead with her little important finger "Whats that sleeping?"
"That's MY little girl!" I told her, smiling.


I was smiling because yes, my big little girl took up 2-3 seats just by stretching out her legs in this corner of the waiting area and yes, she was sound asleep. I knew this had to be an unusual sight for this blonde little chatterbox.


When I answered, her parents took notice. It wasn't that they were ignoring or neglecting her. I could tell they were just very used to Mariella asking questions and they had a young son as well, just a bit older. In fact, when I answered, her mother said to me in a very perfect English accent "She IS sleeping...I envy you so much" I assured her that one day Mariella will probably sleep all of the time too, and that waking up at 4 in the morning to get to the airport will seem like torture to her.


In the amount of time it took me to mention this, Mariella had already changed course. She had gotten up, gotten her mother's purse from the other end of the row, took it to her father and started asking him to get something out for her. Turned out she wanted the boarding pass. Smart kid. When she pulled out the box of something that made noise, and started shaking it while Mummy was reading to her son, and Daddy was just being Daddy (again, she wasn't being paid attention to) it took about five minutes for someone to realize she was trying to get their attention and that maybe they needed to move so they didn't wake up my sleeping giant. When Sage woke up she had no idea the family had ever been there.

I love watching people at the airport. I love wondering where they came from, where they are going, and I even picture where they might live and what their home might look like. I'll probably never forget Mariella.

The Top of the Dead Tree

Dreams have always fascinated me. They are so individual, so unique to each person, and such a random part of our brain functions. I understand the science behind dreams, but I think there is a magic to them as well - a connection to that other world from which we are separated. 

I have been curious about dreams my entire life. I have had dreams of flying - and therefore I know what it feels like to glide along free, watching the ground pass by and feeling the wind all around you. I have had dreams in animation. I have had dreams of people I have never met. And, like most, I have recurring dreams and/or themes in my dreams - the two most common are "Disneyland" dreams, and Tornado dreams. When I was little, I would often dream of being in a dark room or dark house and none of the light switches worked. I don't have that dream anymore.

Every once in a while, I get the opportunity to ask other people about their dreams. Many claim that they don't dream and just as many claim they don't remember their dreams. It isn't unusual for one of these people to come to me a short time later and tell me that they suddenly had a dream, or they remembered a dream for the first time. I was most surprised by my mother's response to my dreaming questions. She told me that she dreams in black and white. I had never heard such a thing. I have also heard of people who dream in other languages once they learn or while they are learning a new language. Other types of dreamers are the scattered dreamers who don't have any flow to their dreams, and the practical dreamers - I almost envy them. They work out problems in their head, and the answers are clear as the words written on this page.

I had this dream the night before I started this post. In the dream, it was storming outside. I knew that tornadoes were coming (I dream about tornadoes all the time) and that I needed to get the girls to the safe room. When I looked out of the back door, I saw the dead-ish top of one of my trees go flying up into the air like an arrow launched from a bow. I took a moment to wonder where it would land and hope it wasn't through the roof of someone's house. I then continued to get the girls to safety and then the dream just got wierder and changed to something else.

The next morning, I was driving to work thinking about my dream. I wondered what the significance of the top of the dead tree was. We had just lost a top executive at work and I can't say that I was sorry about it - and I was thinking that maybe that was the metaphor - that executive was the dead top of an otherwise healthy tree...I had pretty much made up my mind that this was it, until at the stop light I looked right out of my driver's side window and saw this:



just sayin'

LOL - never posted this link either...

Live Long and Prosper

Another Old Draft that I'm posting. May have already posted it - not sure.

So...in an effort to save my 15 year old from an untimely end of the world departure before she can vote in a Presidential election, I have been researching this 2012 Doomsday stuff more. I have decided that I need the following, to procede further:




1. A credible Scientist who specializes in historic astronomical events and patterns.


2. A reliable Prophet.


3. A Mayan Studies professor.


4. An intergalactic telescope.


5. All of the books that have come out in the past few years about 2012.


6. A lot of time to read.


7. Every single 2012 doomsday documentary.


8. A lot of time to watch the documentaries.


9. Internet.


10. The phone numbers for all of the 2012 doomsday "experts"


11. A message from God.




Once I get all of these things assembled, I will most certainly keep you posted on the status of the end of life as we know it. This has been predicted to happen in any of the following ways:




1. Jesus comes back. This would be the easiest and most acceptable way, unless you believe in pre-Jesus Armageddon, instead of the Rapture, where everyone just goes *poof* and ends up in Heaven.


2. Galactic Alignment. The point where all of the planets are aligned with the Sun and the center "hole" of the Milky Way Galaxy.





Train Moment

This was in my drafts, so I'm posting it.

Friday, July 2, 2010

John's Struggling Soul

Perhaps it was a trick of the eye...or the person in charge of the marquis made a mistake, but the flashing red sign said "John's Struggling Soul". Huh. Ironic.

I found out yesterday afternoon about the state of his affairs; messy, just like his life. Tens of thousands owed to the IRS and the State...overdrawn bank accounts...numerous other debts...two and a half months past due on rent...four DUIs and three wrecks in less than a year. His apartment was littered with various people's prescription bottles, trash, filth...and more filth in any box or corner one would care to look. I can imagine it vividly, because even though I wasn't there I've seen it before. I've seen his life in a house and it is dismal and pitiful.

When he died, I prayed that God see what shaped his soul and forgive him. I prayed that God see the good that was inside of him and the darkness that infected him as simply a virus or sickness passed on to him at a very early and impressionable age. Save the light inside of him...understand that it wasn't his fault he was like that.

I am a naive dumbass and I'm struggling with that prayer even as his soul is struggling.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

No link

You're dangerous, he said.

No I'm not. I'm an enabler. I'm flexible enough that men think they can get away with anything. Once they pass my line of silent boundary, I'm outta here.

No, you're dangerous. I know.

He knows. He does know I think. He gave me a book on magic, and herbs, and the witchy magical things that make up my darker side. So, I'm not an enabler. I just give them enough rope to hang themselves.

But what does that mean for me? For my future?

We'll see. I have much more on this but I'm sleepy. Good night.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

He's just not...

So yeah, I've posted this stuff about how much I love him and how awesome he makes me feel when I'm around him.

But when I'm not around him...I'm not real sure.

Yeah, he calls me most. I only call him if I feel like he isn't calling because I haven't called. Hahaha...that made me laugh....neurotic much?

But seriously...by now, there should be something more...solid. I love him...he loves me...why is it so hard for us to express that vocally? I tell my best friends I love them - why is it so off to tell him the same thing, and why do I get my feelings so hurt that he doesn't tell me first?

WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING COMPLICATED???

*ahem.

I would just like to request from the Universe, from God, that this become somewhat more..simple...with less work and/or concern on my part. Men are obviously these uncomplicated creatures, so what you see is what you get...but WTF?

I'm pretty transparent...I think (they are men, they don't always "see".) Maybe he thinks he is being the same way. I don't know...I'm starting to think that he isn't as "strong" as I thought he was. I'm starting to think none of them are. They all have this "let's live in the moment, let's not worry about tomorrow" philosophy (with me)...and at the same time, "those" guys are the same ones who say "don't go to bed angry" and "if you ever want to talk about something let's talk about it" blah blah - and then they go out of their way to avoid conflict.

I wish that he would just "get it", tell me "look, I love you to the moon and back - just always know that, because as long as I'm calling you practically every day, and seeing you whenever you want to come see me and whenever I can come see you, and we're spending important days like New Year's and Valentines Day and Birthdays together, then it's obvious" then I would be okay. But he's reluctant to go that far, even though the rest is true and valid.

Whatever. I don't know why I drew the "love will forever be a mystery" card when I was born.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

College

She has driven all of three times, not counting the two parking lot sessions.
She doesn't wear makeup.
No boyfriends right now. (that I know of)
She still hugs me and kisses me in front of her peers (warm fuzzy).

And yet, in the past weeks, there have been obvious signs that time is moving forward, regardless of her resistance to what ails most teenagers.

Of most importance (besides the "Getting of the Learner's Permit") are her invitation to apply for membership in the National Honor Society, as well as her initiative to enroll in the International Baccalaureate program at her school. Both of these things will assist with college and scholarship eligibility. The IB program is advanced, and only one or two schools in our state offer it. By the time IB students graduate from High School, they have anywhere between 14 and 30 College Credits already under their belt - depending on what college they attend. 

So, she brought home her potential schedule for the next two years. I didn't really go to college. My parents didn't get so involved in preparing me for it, and I was fairly ignorant of the process. I have taken community college courses over the years, but I'm still a freshman. Ha. Still, I have learned that students need to have a plan for college; they need to plan their classes in advance just as if they were planning their college courses for a degree. I have also learned how important college is for very motivated students such as my daughter. But, I'm not sure she's looking at the longer vision of how the courses she is taking in High School should tie in with her college courses, thus funneling her interests into a future Career.

So, blah blah, all that aside, there is a course she has chosen that I don't believe would help her High School to College transition very well, there is a course missing that would help immensely, and there is a course that she should have taken this year (but didn't).

So I started thinking about other options. I thought of Summer School to help with the course she should have taken this year - that would position her to take the higher level course next year in that area of study. I thought of the deal we had made that if she took Speech, I would let her take Psychology except that messes up her athletics plan. It's a tricky, puzzle-like thing, this getting ready for college stuff.

Then it hit me - community colleges offer online courses, summer courses, and weekend courses! So, I got online to check out the facts, when THIS article headline screamed out at me from my browser page. Hello? could I have had a louder signal that I was on the right path? Of course, our students won't graduate in 10th grade and then go to college, but when you look at the end results its the same thing! 

That article tells me that community colleges are ready to handle HS students who want more, and need more than their school or schedule offers. She could potentially graduate with not only the extra college credit hours offered by the IB program, but also with college credit by taking the two courses that satisfy her ideal High School course of study. Our state allows Junior and Senior HS students to enroll in concurrent college courses as long as they meet certain qualifications - which she has! So, I am having an a-ha moment. I feel like once we agree on her schedule and have this college/high school classes conversation, our next step will just be to start researching colleges, scholarships, and her future.

As a PS and an "it really doesn't matter to anyone but me" I visualize her in a career somewhat associated with Japan and the Asian culture. She is taking her second year of Japanese, and will take all four years. If she takes the US History course that she needs to graduate, and she takes it in a concurrent college course, then she could take Asian studies next year - which would gel with her Japanese class. She can take the "mother-required" speech class in a concurrent college course, which would prepare her for the 2nd level course of Intercultural Communication. She is an art student, has impressive drawing skills, and is extremely interested in Manga/Graphic Novels. She has also been working on writing a book for the past couple of years. All of these things seem to gel together into one big glob of possibility that would open so many doors for her when she graduates. I hope she agrees...but I know there is a 70% liklihood that she won't. I just needed to write it all down so I don't forget when it comes time for this very important talk. And I am encouraged by the article I stumbled upon about the High School/College connection.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Well two days in a row...synch ro nic ity

WPA - Works Progress Administration.

This topic came up twice today, within an hour of each other.

At first, I was on the phone with a friend, talking about the WPA projects between Tulsa County and Okfuskee county. Hundreds (one very close, that I have had plans for at least for a year now) can be found around the state.

Not even an hour later, I was talking to someone from a completely different circle - someone I didn't know at all, about something that had nothing to do with my previous conversation with my friend. Basically we were talking about the houses in my neighborhood and how they were built in the mid 1940's blah blah and he said "blah blah houses blah blah during blah WPA..." (DID I JUST HEAR THAT AGAIN?)

so...add WPA to my research list this week. :o)

Friday, February 12, 2010

A little moment of synchronicity spurred this post

Another synchronistic moment. (is that a word?)

While perusing the internet for a reliable chart of the global temperatures over the past few hundred thousand years, our receptionist delivers to me today's mail, upon which sits a magazine. The cover of the magazine has a picture of a polar bear standing on a piece of ice with the bold titles "This Could Be You" and "Climate Change Legislation". I don't believe in coincidence.

***

If I were always doing research on climate change, this wouldn't have been such a "no way" moment. But I'm not. I'm just bothered right now, by a lot of things, but a comment that was made during my irritable state had stuck in my head and I needed to do something to remove it. With all of the snow our country has been getting over the past few months, many of the right-wing conspiracy theorists (they exist on both wings) who have decided that the whole "Global Warming" issue is a hoax created entirely by Democrats to ruin the lives of Republicans are becoming more vocal about it. The comment that set me off was in a conversation thread about this most recent snow, wherein my relative said something along the lines of "Let's see how they backpedal on their Global Warming theory now" (the "they" meaning Democrats, who she outwardly loathes and berates, but still hugs me at Christmas as if I'm not "one of them").

I believe that, according to recent news, the current weather trend is SOUTH of the norm. The northern part of the world, the part above this cold snap/snow machine, is experiencing a drop in the amount of snow they normally get, and this weather pattern is ABNORMAL.  The best chart I have found to accentuate this is from the data.giss.nasa.gov website on the mean temperatures of the Northern and Southern Hemispheres between 1880 and 2000. I believe if it had included the past 10 years, the drop would look similar to the 1960-1980 time span, with an inevitable spike in temperatures again.


What I don't understand is why there is even doubt in people's minds that the weather patterns are changing or that the GLOBAL temperature is changing? So, while we are getting the biggest snow year we've had since the 80's have any of these naysayers checked on the activity in the rest of the world, or does that part of the world not exist? And, if it is OUR government they think is coming up with some climate hoax, why do they not check the science from other countries?

I think the debate should center more around WHAT is causing the climate change, rather than if it is happening at all. It's happening. I could list ten more examples that it is happening, but I have to play taxi-mom now, and sign off. More later.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

My mom sleeps with a
Nerf machine gun rapid fire
Next to the cat.


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