Andy

Yeah, Andy. It's amazing that one human being can, without his knowledge, be my ups and my downs and my meloncholy and my joy. He is my Champion in my battle with self-esteem and feelings of being worthy vs. being worthless, and he doesn't even know it. He is the gauge by which I can monitor my level of sanity and reasonable thought. And if I am at that higher level of insanity - which I like to call "neurotic" and blame on hormones - he is right there next to me, open enough for me to share my neurotic thought patterns, and listening and acting like I'm not being completely psycho. He's my best friend and my Knight. That Knight. The one in shining armor. My best friend. My person I can call when I'm super-highly-irritable and have me laughing in 60 seconds or less. I can be walking around thinking I am invisible, and in one phone conversation I feel like I am important to people and what I have to say means something, even though he didn't know I felt invisible to begin with.

I think what I am trying to say is that he is the real thing. He may not be "the one". I don't really believe that exists anymore, although I do feel like there are a select few who come very close to that. But, he is the real thing. He treats me like I am important, and inspirational, and magical, and beautiful - even when I'm naked! He is the first human I could ever be naked in front of, and not be self-conscious and hyperconscious of every extra roll, or cellulitic dent in my body. I've never had that.

My point in sharing this with anyone, at the risk of it being TMI, is that I can tell, by the simple existence of this relationship, that I have healed. I have healed from the psychological predictions that my childhood experiences afforded me. I have healed from the misconceptions my mother and grandmothers have ingrained into me. I have healed from being speechless, from having no voice. I have healed from being completely used, hurt, and abused by the relationships I have chosen to participate in before now. I have healed from MOST (not all) of my self esteem and self-worth issues...and I did all of that before I realized we were going down that "path". The one I really wanted to walk with him.

So I'm here to tell those who haven't found that yet, that you can and will. And I'm here to tell those who have that - thank you for being proof that it exists - even if it seems fleeting to some of us who get to experience it.

And...to everyone else who doesn't even know this blog exists...there is no time frame. You will meet him when you meet him. Things are moving at their own magical pace for each of us and I (nor should you) feel an obligation to rush that pace or make things happen that aren't ready to happen. I tried that more than once, and was severely disappointed - just because I was trying to make other people happy, or fulfill some bizarre expectations I have accumulated from others during my life.

Now I have to pee - for the 47th time today. So I sign off with the video of my song for him. Yeah, gag, puke, whatever you want, but this is the song that is him. Goodnight!!