New Happy Day

I have recovered from yesterday's rant, and I let all that hate stuff go today. Once I managed to get out of bed this morning, all was well so I continue to share my thoughts I started the other day - before the hate-monster took over.

I am happy to announce that the rock that has been residing at my Solar Plexus did not show up for work today! I feel good...mostly...and I even feel a little happy.

I have the most amazing friends. (I'm talking about my real friends) They have given me affirmation after affirmation and prayer after prayer and energy and light and a hand up whenever I have needed it. I love all of you and I want you to know how eternally grateful I am.

And Ben, thanks for reminding me who had my smile. It's nice to have it back.

MAY I PLEASE JUST CATCH A BREAK, HERE???

Disclaimer: This is a rant. This is only a rant. If this were a real plea for a break it would require me relinquishing all of the positive things I have learned in my life, so please don't tell them to me because I already know.

I AM REALLY TIRED OF BAD NEWS. It's like I can't catch a break. I have a "New Bad News of the Month" club now, or something. I'M PISSED! I hate liars, I hate insurance companies, I hate mean people, I hate dishonest people, I hate people who have their mind so made up they won't listen to anything that doesn't fit their little tiny box of opinion and understanding, I hate hospital accounting offices, I hate "we can't do that because we don't do that, no matter what the circumstances", I hate the word "no", I hate cheaters, I hate Sarah Palin, I hate the Tea Party, and I hate that I am currently hating so many things!!

There. I said it.

That is all. I am finished ranting.

Spirited Away

I thought I'd post a bunch of stuff that is in my head so that maybe I can move on to filling it with other stuff.

First, the song. It's stuck in my head. I love the sound of her voice and the way it just flows...and the movie is my favorite. 

For that matter...I'm spirited away. My head is somewhere, my heart is somewhere else off on its own, my body is here at work in my work chair accomplishing little, and my spirit...it is just away right now. I can almost reach it, I can almost gather them all back together...but i just miss them. 

I saw this quote today that I liked: "I do not have what I own, nor do I have what I do. I only have what I am." - D. Trinidad Hunt It makes quite a bit of sense to me. I would even add "I own what I do" and it would end the same way.

Well...I'm out of time, so you just got a small glimpse into the scattered energy that is me today. Scattered or not...it has been a good day. I was able to tame one errant thought...laugh at another...and act on yet another. The rest are still errant however, so wish me luck!

In the rabbit hole

I am in the rabbit hole.
I’m falling, I’m not afraid – I see the piano, the harmonica, the paint and canvas, the lights, the rabbit
My fall is slow and I control the direction – I even wonder if I’m falling or not
I pick up the paint, and onto the canvas I depict my recent…well…stuff
It is beautiful, and scary, and it grows larger as I fall…I still see light as I look up to see how large it has become
I look down, and see light
I wonder how anyone can see light while they are falling – isn’t that reserved for those who are risen?
I’m not in the World, though.
I am in the rabbit hole.

New Day. Again.

I seem to have already forgotten my theme song for the year. I let a couple things throw me off track, and this year is only one week old. SO...I'm going to try this again.

Big sigh from my soul
Look at the sun and thank God
At least I'm not them

Love,

Kimmy :)

What I'll never be able to say (or if I do, it won't be read/heard)

Dear Andy,

After three years of care, love, and support you have proven yourself a coward in the end. I don't do cowards. And, in response to your "I just want to focus on my career" I call bullshit. First clue: weekly hunting trips with the guys ever since you told me that. Second clue: Lying to me, telling me you will call me and then not calling...every way you have behaved since September. Third clue: dating my friend who happens to be the wife of your dead ex-best friend - less than 3 months after his death. How you went from 20 kisses goodbye one morning to "I just want to be friends" a week later will always be a mystery to me (mainly because you never had the balls to tell me). Another mystery: why you have completely ceased any communication with me regardless of the fact that in the end, YOU were the one who fucked up. And your lack of communication speaks volumes, coward.

That is all, have a good life - oh - and good luck with dating someone who is rebounding from losing her soul-mate.

Me.
*****************************************************************************

Dear Claudia,

While I grieve with you and I am intensely sad about the loss of my friend and your soul-mate Ronnie, I am even more hurt by the fact that you are dating my recent ex-best friend and lover of over three years. Even more hurtful is the fact that you and I spent an entire afternoon describing our similar pain to each other, and we understood that we were each grieving to an exponential extent. I was healing until your e-mail, describing how he asked you out and you "have taken that first step" with him. I respect the fact that you told me about it at all, after all I did ask you to tell me if he asked you out (I just didn't think you would tell him "yes" - I thought that was against the Girlfriends code of honor). So, while I was devastated yesterday - more so than I can ever put into words - today I am just sorry for both of you. I'm sorry that you are unable to be without a man for more than 3 months, so much so that you are willing to ditch our friendship so you can date my cowardly ex-boyfriend - the same man whose character you trashed to the entire town not too long ago. Good luck with that - I should remind you that he is a coward and dishonest if honesty means confrontation. But hey, this isn't my problem anymore and you effectively helped me remove myself from that whole "Okemah" scene. My life starts anew, with no strings, no longings - only a hole that is ragged around the edges, but is healing like anything else in my body that has been pierced but not filled.

Good luck with that whole Karma thing,

Me.
****************************************************************************

Dear God,

Thank you for saving me from a whirlpool of pain and confusion. Thank you for giving me the clarity I prayed for (even if it was 30 minutes after I prayed for it - totally not prepared for the truth). Yesterday, I felt like the world had betrayed me. Today I feel like I have been set free. I know that once the pain subsides, that there are endless opportunities ahead of me. Opportunities that don't necessarily include a freaking man. I realize you created men and women to be together, but the more I learn, the more I question that whole goal of yours. Perhaps a stronger need to be loyal and in love with his woman would have been a nice "add" to the whole "man" model. Fine, Eve was weak. But seriously? Do you really have to punish us even now?

If I don't need a man, can you take that desire from me please? Because, I am 41 years old, and I have yet to find the man who can handle my independence and devotion at the same time. In spite of that, I have not become bitter, I have not closed my heart to any new possibilities, I keep my eye on that open door when the other one has closed. Yet...at this point it is almost a bad joke. I don't know what I did in my past or current life to deserve the amount of pain I have experienced through the serious relationships in my life, but I'm starting to feel like I might be paid up now. Really, trust me on this. I have had faith in you my entire life, and I continue to have faith that you have someone really special being prepared for me. But I also have faith that if you don't, you will REMOVE my desire for such a man. Please.

I love you most,

Kimberly

My New Theme Song

So. This is how it's gonna be. I read a quote today, one that we have all heard before: “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” -Alexander Graham Bell

After my post yesterday, I had a long conversation with my glass of wine (okay, I had a few glasses/conversatoins and a couple shots of Barenjager...life changing, let me tell you). I decided that it is definitely time for an attitude adjustment, and one that will last for a while. I decided that I'm tired of being sad, but that doesn't mean that I have to keep being sad. So, I'm letting that go. The people I lost, Andy included, aren't coming back. I can choose to remember the good things and move forward, or I can choose to wallow in this heartbreak that is threatening to cripple me. I choose forward. 

Then I read that quote this morning, and I thought "Damn straight!"

I'm going to walk through my open door. Not only that, I'm going to hurricane-proof the old door. That door really sucked and it needs to stay closed. 

The first stop through my new door is Denver. I know exactly 1 person there. I bought my own plane ticket, I'm staying in LoDo and I bought a ticket to see G.Love and Special Sauce open for Widespread Panic. When G is finished, I'm going out on the town and watching the fireworks at midnight!! And when those fireworks go off, I am going to celebrate and open my heart to good things and happiness and sunshine and rainbows...and fairies and unicorns LOL.

Seriously, though, I CHOOSE light. I CHOOSE happiness. I CHOOSE to let go of my anger and my sadness and my bitterness and all that other yukky stuff and rise above it.

It's a new dawn, a new day, a new life...for me...and I'm feeling good..

Here - I'll share the lyrics of the Nina Simone version:

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel

(refrain)

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
                                                                        

A new birth, a new me, a new year, new new new!

 

Enough Already!!

I'm just tired of being sad all the time.
Today, we lost another friend after her vicious battle with Leukemia.
I have felt so much loss this year...on so many levels.
I just want it to stop for a while.
It feels like there is a black hole between my heart and soul, and with each loss it gets bigger.

It's time for some light, and happiness, and hope.

Please.

you smell like beef and cheese..,.

Elf is one of my most favorite movies. Sometimes, I feel like him. A kid/elf in a grownup body, trying to make it in the year of now. It's difficult. You have to act like a grownup...know about politics and business and stuff like that...know how to 'PROPERLY' handle a realtionship (whatthefuckever) and pay bills and clean house and stuff. Sheesh, I'm lucky I was able to raise a kid because, frankly, I totally identify with Buddy.

Is that scary?

why men love bitches

So I asked myself that age-old question that many of us have asked - why do men love bitches? Even more, how do I become one of those bitches?

Well. I'm reading this book that my niece reccomended. (It's actually called Why Men Love Bitches) She has an amazing marraige, a beautiful new baby, and is a strong young woman. I am so proud of her.

I'm about 2/3 of the way through the book, and there are many parts that make me go "aaaaah - now I get it". One statement in particular. "She [a bitch] just doesn't make decisions based on the fear of losing a man". THAT I can understand. In fact, most of that chapter resonated with me for various reasons that I won't really go into right now.

Then there are other parts that piss me off because I don't agree with "pretending" you are someone else especially for a man - that whole "laugh at his jokes, pretend not to know how to use power tools, let him feel like the man" is bullshit. Or it should be. Is it even possible that there is a man out there who is confident enough to keep his self-esteem, and still be intrigued by and love a woman in spite of the fact that she is sweet AND can mow a lawn, and fill up the windshield wiper fluid, and use power tools, and she even enjoys it? If a woman has as much self esteem as this book advises, then why on earth would she want to pretend to be otherwise??

I'm still reading. I'll give a fully summary/synopsis/review when I'm finished. I just had to get that off my chest. I'm all about learning how to have more self esteem in a relationship, but not about pretending to be someone I am not. Hell, I might be single the rest of my life. Oh well. At least I can fix a lot of my own stuff, and hire someone to fix the stuff I can't.

that whole breakup thing...

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross says that the five stages of grief are not stops on some linear timeline of grief. Not everyone experiences all of them and not everyone experiences them in the same order.



As I finally, and painfully, reach acceptance I am still left with this hole - this sadness of finally saying goodbye. And, she’s right. I didn’t go through them “in order” it went more like this:


Denial – complete disbelief that I was hearing what I was hearing. I felt pain, overwhelming confusion, shock, a strong feeling that we were experiencing a huge misunderstanding and we just needed to talk enough to realize it. I decided that if I said things just the right way he would understand that I thought he was breaking up with me when he wasn’t. (but, alas, he was). Such devastating excruciating pain in my solar plexus .


Kubler-Ross goes on to say that Denial is nature’s way of only letting in the little that we can handle as we struggle to make it through each day.


Depression – immediately set in as I realized what had happened. I’m still depressed. I have been depressed throughout these past six (or more) weeks. I’m even medicated, and yet it takes a simple statement, observation, song, or smell and a switch flips inside of me and all I can do I cry and try to escape. Eating is hard to do. Food feels like rocks in my stomach – added to the rock that my solar plexus has become. This depression has taken the other stages by the hand and stuck by like an old friend. That friend that makes you feel worse, even as you are trying to heal.


“grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever” (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross)


Bargaining – I couldn’t imagine how this would fit into my experiences. I didn’t even see it coming. But somehow I got him to agree to be “physically exclusive” while we tried to “work through this”. He agreed, even though he knew there wasn’t anything to work through. Somehow, though, it made everything easier to deal with knowing that he wouldn’t (immediately) be sleeping with anyone else. By doing this, I was prolonging things, though. I kept flipping back and forth between bargaining “if only I hadn’t done this, if only I hadn’t said that, if only I hadn’t gained a few pounds, or if I had tried to be sexier…if only” and denial “well, we’re still exclusive, even though he hasn’t made time to see me and rarely calls” and bargaining and denial at the same time “If I wait for this month while he is hunting, which I’m sure is why he hasn’t made much time for me, then things will be back to normal next month.” While the “agreement” did help me at that immediate time, I was simply negotiating my way out of the pain – which never really went away completely.


Anger – This is one that has simply flirted with my process. I could be angry if he had done something to cause the breakup, rather than just breaking up for no reason. There are things I have been angry about for brief moments, but he has been so patient with me and tried to do this the best way he is capable of, that there is little to be angry about, except that it happened at all. Anger is such an essential part of getting to acceptance that my lack of it is probably the reason I have spent so long in depression, denial, and bargaining.


Acceptance – I can feel it seeping in. The past two days I have woken up “knowing” it is over. I can go longer stretches of time without thinking about what was, and without wondering how I will ever find anyone else. I am still depressed. I’m still not “OK”, but I am closer to accepting that he wants to move on without me – whether there is a reason or not. THAT is my answer to my other questions that lead to bargaining and denial – he wants to move on without me. Period. I can’t change his mind. I can’t make him think of me when he doesn’t. I can’t make him feel what he doesn’t feel. I understand that now.


And I know something else. While I don’t have control over him, I have control over how I choose to live my life. I can choose to not continue a friendship with him (his form of bargaining, I believe). I can choose to stay in bed all day, or go outside and sit in the sun, or go play with friends. I can take as long as I need to do that AS LONG AS I KNOW that nothing I do will change the facts. And I know the facts now. I accept it. I hate it, and it hurts like hell, and I still cry at the drop of a hat, but I accept the truth of it.


Now for the healing.

well, crap.

Now, for the heartache and depression
Now, for the empty hole from losing my best friend
Now, for pretending to be happy when everyone else is
Now, for trying to find the energy to be present for my child
Now, for the loneliest feelings to drown me

I need a "numb" button.

Mariella

Another old post I started, and didn't post:

Mariella and her family just sat down in the seats that face us.
When she sat down, she stated (to no one in particular) "This is MYseat!"
...no one answered so she had to mention it one more time so Mummy and Daddy would take notice.
"Yes, you do have your own seat, Mariella, and you'll have your own seat on the airplane now that you're a big two year old!"
Satisfied, she sat in HER seat, and with her big bright eyes she surveyed the others sitting around her.
"What's that sleeping?" ... again, no answer.
"What's that sleeping?" ... still nothing
Knowing where she was going with this line of questioning (repeat until someone answers) I was ready when she asked again, pointing straight ahead with her little important finger "Whats that sleeping?"
"That's MY little girl!" I told her, smiling.


I was smiling because yes, my big little girl took up 2-3 seats just by stretching out her legs in this corner of the waiting area and yes, she was sound asleep. I knew this had to be an unusual sight for this blonde little chatterbox.


When I answered, her parents took notice. It wasn't that they were ignoring or neglecting her. I could tell they were just very used to Mariella asking questions and they had a young son as well, just a bit older. In fact, when I answered, her mother said to me in a very perfect English accent "She IS sleeping...I envy you so much" I assured her that one day Mariella will probably sleep all of the time too, and that waking up at 4 in the morning to get to the airport will seem like torture to her.


In the amount of time it took me to mention this, Mariella had already changed course. She had gotten up, gotten her mother's purse from the other end of the row, took it to her father and started asking him to get something out for her. Turned out she wanted the boarding pass. Smart kid. When she pulled out the box of something that made noise, and started shaking it while Mummy was reading to her son, and Daddy was just being Daddy (again, she wasn't being paid attention to) it took about five minutes for someone to realize she was trying to get their attention and that maybe they needed to move so they didn't wake up my sleeping giant. When Sage woke up she had no idea the family had ever been there.

I love watching people at the airport. I love wondering where they came from, where they are going, and I even picture where they might live and what their home might look like. I'll probably never forget Mariella.

The Top of the Dead Tree

Dreams have always fascinated me. They are so individual, so unique to each person, and such a random part of our brain functions. I understand the science behind dreams, but I think there is a magic to them as well - a connection to that other world from which we are separated. 

I have been curious about dreams my entire life. I have had dreams of flying - and therefore I know what it feels like to glide along free, watching the ground pass by and feeling the wind all around you. I have had dreams in animation. I have had dreams of people I have never met. And, like most, I have recurring dreams and/or themes in my dreams - the two most common are "Disneyland" dreams, and Tornado dreams. When I was little, I would often dream of being in a dark room or dark house and none of the light switches worked. I don't have that dream anymore.

Every once in a while, I get the opportunity to ask other people about their dreams. Many claim that they don't dream and just as many claim they don't remember their dreams. It isn't unusual for one of these people to come to me a short time later and tell me that they suddenly had a dream, or they remembered a dream for the first time. I was most surprised by my mother's response to my dreaming questions. She told me that she dreams in black and white. I had never heard such a thing. I have also heard of people who dream in other languages once they learn or while they are learning a new language. Other types of dreamers are the scattered dreamers who don't have any flow to their dreams, and the practical dreamers - I almost envy them. They work out problems in their head, and the answers are clear as the words written on this page.

I had this dream the night before I started this post. In the dream, it was storming outside. I knew that tornadoes were coming (I dream about tornadoes all the time) and that I needed to get the girls to the safe room. When I looked out of the back door, I saw the dead-ish top of one of my trees go flying up into the air like an arrow launched from a bow. I took a moment to wonder where it would land and hope it wasn't through the roof of someone's house. I then continued to get the girls to safety and then the dream just got wierder and changed to something else.

The next morning, I was driving to work thinking about my dream. I wondered what the significance of the top of the dead tree was. We had just lost a top executive at work and I can't say that I was sorry about it - and I was thinking that maybe that was the metaphor - that executive was the dead top of an otherwise healthy tree...I had pretty much made up my mind that this was it, until at the stop light I looked right out of my driver's side window and saw this:



just sayin'

LOL - never posted this link either...

Live Long and Prosper

Another Old Draft that I'm posting. May have already posted it - not sure.

So...in an effort to save my 15 year old from an untimely end of the world departure before she can vote in a Presidential election, I have been researching this 2012 Doomsday stuff more. I have decided that I need the following, to procede further:

1. A credible Scientist who specializes in historic astronomical events and patterns.

2. A reliable Prophet.

3. A Mayan Studies professor.

4. An intergalactic telescope.

5. All of the books that have come out in the past few years about 2012.

6. A lot of time to read.

7. Every single 2012 doomsday documentary.

8. A lot of time to watch the documentaries.

9. Internet.

10. The phone numbers for all of the 2012 doomsday "experts"

11. A message from God.

Once I get all of these things assembled, I will most certainly keep you posted on the status of the end of life as we know it. This has been predicted to happen in any of the following ways:

1. Jesus comes back. This would be the easiest and most acceptable way, unless you believe in pre-Jesus Armageddon, instead of the Rapture, where everyone just goes *poof* and ends up in Heaven.

2. Galactic Alignment. The point where all of the planets are aligned with the Sun and the center "hole" of the Milky Way Galaxy.

Train Moment

This was in my drafts, so I'm posting it.

John's Struggling Soul

Perhaps it was a trick of the eye...or the person in charge of the marquis made a mistake, but the flashing red sign said "John's Struggling Soul". Huh. Ironic.

I found out yesterday afternoon about the state of his affairs; messy, just like his life. Tens of thousands owed to the IRS and the State...overdrawn bank accounts...numerous other debts...two and a half months past due on rent...four DUIs and three wrecks in less than a year. His apartment was littered with various people's prescription bottles, trash, filth...and more filth in any box or corner one would care to look. I can imagine it vividly, because even though I wasn't there I've seen it before. I've seen his life in a house and it is dismal and pitiful.

When he died, I prayed that God see what shaped his soul and forgive him. I prayed that God see the good that was inside of him and the darkness that infected him as simply a virus or sickness passed on to him at a very early and impressionable age. Save the light inside of him...understand that it wasn't his fault he was like that.

I am a naive dumbass and I'm struggling with that prayer even as his soul is struggling.

No link

You're dangerous, he said.

No I'm not. I'm an enabler. I'm flexible enough that men think they can get away with anything. Once they pass my line of silent boundary, I'm outta here.

No, you're dangerous. I know.

He knows. He does know I think. He gave me a book on magic, and herbs, and the witchy magical things that make up my darker side. So, I'm not an enabler. I just give them enough rope to hang themselves.

But what does that mean for me? For my future?

We'll see. I have much more on this but I'm sleepy. Good night.

He's just not...

So yeah, I've posted this stuff about how much I love him and how awesome he makes me feel when I'm around him.

But when I'm not around him...I'm not real sure.

Yeah, he calls me most. I only call him if I feel like he isn't calling because I haven't called. Hahaha...that made me laugh....neurotic much?

But seriously...by now, there should be something more...solid. I love him...he loves me...why is it so hard for us to express that vocally? I tell my best friends I love them - why is it so off to tell him the same thing, and why do I get my feelings so hurt that he doesn't tell me first?

WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING COMPLICATED???

*ahem.

I would just like to request from the Universe, from God, that this become somewhat more..simple...with less work and/or concern on my part. Men are obviously these uncomplicated creatures, so what you see is what you get...but WTF?

I'm pretty transparent...I think (they are men, they don't always "see".) Maybe he thinks he is being the same way. I don't know...I'm starting to think that he isn't as "strong" as I thought he was. I'm starting to think none of them are. They all have this "let's live in the moment, let's not worry about tomorrow" philosophy (with me)...and at the same time, "those" guys are the same ones who say "don't go to bed angry" and "if you ever want to talk about something let's talk about it" blah blah - and then they go out of their way to avoid conflict.

I wish that he would just "get it", tell me "look, I love you to the moon and back - just always know that, because as long as I'm calling you practically every day, and seeing you whenever you want to come see me and whenever I can come see you, and we're spending important days like New Year's and Valentines Day and Birthdays together, then it's obvious" then I would be okay. But he's reluctant to go that far, even though the rest is true and valid.

Whatever. I don't know why I drew the "love will forever be a mystery" card when I was born.