OAS, Food Intolerance, and Paleo

Poor and Gluten Free (with Oral Allergy Syndrome): Oral Allergy Syndrome: Recipes, Information and Articles on Oral Allergy Syndrome a.k.a. Food Pollen Allergy *Living with Oral Allergy Syndrome Cookbook now...

I can't believe I found the above site. OAS PLUS recipes and all Gluten-free which can be adapted to a Paleo diet.

While I was a vegetarian (I'm not anymore) I was our chef's nightmare. I didn't eat meat, I am allergic to most raw fruits and vegetables, and I strongly dislike melons and cucumbers. Pretty much the easiest things for me to eat are mushrooms, lettuces, berries, grapes, orange citrus, and ripe bananas. It was easier to explain what I could eat, than what I couldn't. The Poor and Gluten Free (with Oral Allergy Syndrome) website has charts and lists about OAS foods and the pollen allergies they are associated with. Did I mention recipes? They have recipes!

It wasn't until years ago, while I was watching the old CBS Early show with Chris Wragge that I realized that what I was experiencing could be something that other people experienced too. There were two shows wherein they had raw fruit to taste and cook and he couldn't eat either fruit - peaches or pears. Peaches were the first food I was ever allergic to. I had cut one up as usual to put on my cereal, I took a couple bites, and BAM - I wanted to scrape out the inside of my mouth with a sharp razor blade. It was such a miserable feeling. Next, came carrots. Then, celery. 

As I have gotten older, even more food items have followed and are still developing. Basically I am allergic to everything on the Birch Pollen food allergy list except tomatoes and some peppers. I am also allergic to Avocado. I always just say "I'm allergic to anything raw with a pit, seed-core or that is a nut." I am allergic to almost every single ingredient in a Waldorf Salad. They should just call it "Death by OAS salad"And I also find it interesting that I have ragweed allergies and strongly dislike everything on that list except for honey and bananas. (i.e. melon-type foods) 

Enter the Paleo part of this equation.

Why on earth would anyone with food allergies start eating only fruits, vegetables, and healthy meats? Well, this is where it gets interesting. As I came to find out, and as is mentioned in the linked website, All of the OAS foods that I react to, I am able to eat once they cease to be raw. I can eat them cooked, canned, pickled, toasted, roasted, etc. Also, I have eliminated non-OAS yet questionable foods such as dairy, legumes, and grains. While I would have OAS reactions to raw wheat products, the others that I eliminated caused other issues within my system like bloating, tiredness, intestinal issues, etc. I haven't had to take a Tums or Pepcid since I started eating Paleo (we're almost to the 2 month mark). By researching so many Paleo recipes I am learning to once again eat the foods I have avoided for so long because of OAS. I'm learning how to cook them correctly, and to incorporate more variety into my diet. Ironic, huh? Cut out three entire food groups and my diet becomes more colorful. That's Paleo for you (and Gluten free eating for others).

Enough rambling and speculation. The bottom line is, for people with OAS it IS possible to eat many of the foods you are allergic to, and the Poor and Gluten Free website is a treasure for those of us experiencing food allergies, and/or are eating Paleo with OAS. To me, it is yet another light in my formerly dark kitchen where I was afraid of fresh food, grocery shopping, and cooking. 

I Feel Good!

6 weeks Paleo!! 

Well, I feel great. 

I have gotten my grocery shopping down to a science - an enjoyable one, at that. Now that I have my cabinets stocked with the spices, oils, and vinegar that I want, and I have the pans and cooking utensils I want, and I have several kinds of back-up groceries in the freezer, I am finding that it is easier to grocery shop. Now it is simply a matter of going to the store to get what I run out of, which is usually spinach and/or kale, eggs, fresh meat, etc. "Perimeter of Grocery Store" kind of stuff. While more expensive, organic fruits and vegetables are still produce, and not very hard on the grocery bill. I'm finding that when I'm not spending money on packaging and branding my grocery money turns into more/better groceries. 

I'm becoming a better cook. (slowly) Well, okay I'm just enjoying cooking now. I haven't had a horrible cooking disaster in at least a week or two. Saturday evening's salmon was edible and except for the amount of smoke in the house after I finished cooking it, I would consider it a success. Note to self: get more experience cooking salmon. Last night, I sort of followed a recipe for and successfully produced a (sweet potato) Taco Shepherd's Pie that I am eating right now and LOVING. I got the recipe from The Lucky Penny blog and YUM! It is the first thing I have made that really does taste as good as it smells! 

I feel inspired. I don't know if it is this particular Mercury Retrograde, if it is my new lifestyle (after 6 weeks I can call it a lifestyle and not a diet) or if I am experiencing a mood swing, but wow. I look at my kitchen and suddenly I see all of this space I can use differently by trashing cookbooks and old "kitchen stuff" that have just been gathering dust over the years. YEARS OF SPACE I CAN USE! That vision is seeping out to other parts of my house where I see and am inspired to re-create the space by getting rid of old things to make room for healthy space. I want to create things and fix things and organize things and move things. I want the air I breathe to be clean and smell good. I want the space I cook in to be functional and clean and pretty. The best part is that I have the energy and motivation to make these things happen. I have done more to improve my life in the past six weeks than I have in the past few years. I feel like I am waking up from hibernation.

I am healthier. I gave up caring about how much I weigh. The way I see it, if I am exercising and eating right it doesn't matter how fast I lose weight or what size my clothes are - I'm healthy. There isn't a whole heck of a lot else I can do to lose weight. This is the last frontier - I'm there. Either I'll lose weight or I won't and if I don't I'll be a medical anomaly. I refuse to step on a scale again until next week. I realize that with what I just said I should be okay with never stepping on a scale again but I'm still a girl who enjoys seeing the numbers drop, if only a little. And, my tummy pooch is getting smaller and I can see some muscle definition invading the space of the pooch. Pretty soon the pooch will lose. Ha!

So far, with the exception of my little stumbling block last post that could actually be contributed to the waning effects of "low carb flu" I'm doing and feeling great! I'm having to restrain myself from telling everyone to go Paleo - yet I understand that this is a personal journey that speaks to me right now and may not work for everyone. 

So for now, I feel good! And I hope this feeling just continues to reshape me as this is all happening at the perfect time in my life. 

Body Science

Paleo Week Four. I'm not giving up, nope. 

On the bright side, I don't crave anything, not even cheese. (Yes the earth stopped spinning for a sec)

Besides that, ugh.

So I have been all excited and powered up about this Paleo journey. I jumped in with both feet, gave away all that food I didn't need (feeling a little guilty that I was enabling other people eat that kind of food), started cooking a lot and loving it, and even started keeping my kitchen cleaner and more organized. I started walking more, going to the gym, and added strength training to my schedule. Everything was peachy, until I weighed myself this past week. I had lost four and a half more pounds, but the body composition paper said I had gained fat, and lost muscle and water. WTF?! With all of my new exercise and eating habits, how the heck did I lose muscle and gain fat??

Well. 

First, I guess I wasn't supposed to weigh in and do my body analysis on the first day of my period. Oops - that makes sense...a little. 

Second, calories. When doing Paleo, it's all about "don't count calories, don't worry about how often or when you eat, just eat when you are hungry" and of course, eat the right foods. Apparently that only means if you are eating your weight in meat and vegetables. Do you know how much natural food it takes to equal the amount you need to get through the day without crashing the moment you get home from work??? Sheesh! So, I broke ranks and started counting calories. I added up my calories from just breakfast and lunch today (and I ate a lot and was full after both meals) and I only had eaten 512 calories. 512. That's not enough to keep a kitten alive! So, I made a list of all the food I have at home that I could eat in order to catch up on my calories ( there is a magic number for my weight, weight loss goals, overall health, blah blah) and managed to squeeze in 487 more calories. So, in spite of the rules I'm gonna have to count calories for a few days to get a picture of how much more I need to eat in a day. 

Third, whatever. This week I have read so many articles about food, protein, muscles, fat, Paleo dos and don'ts, (which often conflict each other based on the source) and the science of our bodies. What I have gotten from it all is that everyone's body is different but we all have to eat certain amounts of protein and carbohydrates like it or not. There goes my "Naked and Afraid" approach.

So, my food and exercise journey is going to consist of figuring out the percentage of plant proteins (nuts) v. animal proteins (meat) v. healthy fats, plus or minus the amount of fruit servings, divided by the number of times I can't sneeze because I did too many ab crunches, times the square root of too much cardio (yes there is such a thing apparently). 

I had no idea I was signing up for Rocket Science. 

My Purpose

I have been thinking a lot about Purpose. 

For the past few years I have been wandering around in different clouds of depression, oftentimes just going through the motions because I am alive and have to do something. Until Sage went to college, my purpose was to raise her well. My "I am here to..." was "raise my daughter to be a bright, contributing, functional member of society" and now that she is in college I guess my purpose has grown legs of its own and doesn't need me as much. 

So now what? I find myself asking the same questions I asked a much younger me. Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? What is my purpose in life? Well, I saw this Alicia Keys video yesterday or so, and it gave me the script to begin answering this question. "I am here to..." 

I am coming closer to re-defining what that is or what it could be. I am starting to think that my Purpose is the sum of all of its parts plus how I choose to live my future. I think that right here and now "I am here to...be a light in dark places, have faith and hope where none seems possible, and to share that with others as best as possible." 

Today. 

My Paleo Journey - the beginning

I have been on the Paleo diet since a week ago Tuesday. That is 12 days. Anyone following this blog knows how inconsistent I am in my attempts to create a cohesive theme in this blog, anything more than random comments that don't have anything to do with each other. I'm hoping this time is different. 

In the past four years, I have gained at least 20 pounds. The bigger I get, the less confident I become. Don't get me wrong, I have tried to embrace my image and I am fully aware that there are men who enjoy "bigger girls". But I know this - I am a voluptuous short-ish person who will never be thin because that isn't how I was built. I was build with an evolution to large breasts post-childbirth, a round, full ass that I have been blessed with since I was young.  I am a quintessential "hourglass shape" with danger of becoming more apple if I hadn't taken further steps. 

Up until now, I have tried diet upon diet. I had a 3-month stint of being fit by personal trainer, but I burned out and stopped exercising (gained my weight back and then some). 

My ancestors which I resemble most closely were also shortish, large-bosomed, round women with a very strong will. *cough 

So, I accept I inherited those genes. I am resigned to always be soft, and round. I have been with men, romantically, who refer to me as soft Kimberly - in an endearing and appreciative way. My body is that of a woman and I have no desire to change looking like a woman. 

Having said that, I have been embarrassed and ashamed of my latest weight gain. I was eating right, as far as I knew, and my main vice was beer. Admittedly, while I was having regular sex, my blood pressure was lower and I was a bit thinner, but I choose not to take that route right now (I have the option)

I started reading - and after the things I read I was sure that the main culprits were wheat and beer and milk products. They say that my middle is the result of stress but honestly I do not carry much stress these days. Things happen, I process them and let them go. 

My second appointment with my Psychiatrist, who had lost so much weight during the three months that flew by before I saw her again that I thought she was seriously ill, stopped her day of "down to business" and listened to me and gave me a diet. She didn't give me a bunch of handouts that didn't make sense, she wrote down a diet. A way of eating that might help to polish up my mood and my sense of self. It was a rare moment in this day of detached doctors treating symptoms. What she ended up describing was a Paleo diet. A diet I have come to understand will be a way of life. 

First, it was about the food I could and couldn't eat. I could eat meat, fresh veggies and fruits, seeds and nuts, healthy oils. Pretty simple, except that I didn't cook and there isn't a Paleo fast food restaurant yet. I'm falling asleep so I will say this - I am learning how to cook, how to organize my kitchen and therefore a light under my butt to organize my whole life to reflect this very basic way of eating and preparing food, and creating a lifestyle to surround these priorities. 

Tragedy

I've always had a difficult time dealing with large tragedies. Whether it be our American Soldiers in the middle east, or Hurricane Katrina and the like. When the Newtown CT shooting happened, it crippled me emotionally. Everything that came after that was just more weight on my already heavy soul. 

This tornado in Moore...it weighs on me almost as much as that mass shooting. The Boston Marathon bombing (another Boston Massacre) was bad, this is so much worse. 

When the criminal, the person committing the crime, is Nature - what can you do? One person wipes out 100 others, "ban guns". A disease wipes out 100 people "take precautions". An unpredictable tornado wipes out the majority of a neighborhood - um....

I feel helpless. I feel the weight of those people, looking at a pile of sticks and appliances wondering how the next 24 hours of their life will go. I practically absorb the hopelessness. I can't help it no matter how I shield myself. 

I firmly believe that Nature takes care of itself. Overpopulation, imbalance, BAM - the world will get hot, cold, unpredictable in order to restore balance. That's God - like it or not. "God" being that power that is bigger than all of use, that we can't control and can grant us a miracle or take away everything we know and love in a heartbeat. I equate the two on some level. 

I'm not posting this to make any statement, except that I am depressed. I feel dark. I feel heavy. I feel sadness and helplessness, and every siren, gunshot, storm, or explosion makes me tense up waiting for the news. 

That's not me.
That's not who I have been my whole life. 
I WILL get back to myself - I WILL be that person who can see the bigger picture, the beauty in tragedy, the love in hateful acts. I know it exists. I just need to find me again. 

Don't Waste Your Time

My normal Monday morning routine is to listen to the CBS morning news as I slowly gain consciousness and take stock of what is going on outside of my nest of blankets.

I know that the moment I extract myself, my day has started, so I lie there as long as possible just enjoying the feel of "right now" - possibly the only time in my life that I really do that.

This morning was different.

I listened to the story of a man, a Professor of Geriantology or however you spell it - a doctor for the elderly - face his own diagnosis of cancer. (It was the same type of cancer my paternal grandfather died from) The story wasn't about death and doom; rather, it was a story about how he sees life. He is not afraid to die, and he's living his life with joy, teaching others about how it feels to be diagnosed with a terminal illness.

From my blanket Utopia, I remembered a counseling session I had once, wherein my late Aunt Marie sent a message to me - or as the attempt to contact her for advice resulted in the message "Don't Waste Your Time"

Those words are always in my head, whether I am wasting my time or not, and I often wonder if it was about trying to reach her, counseling with the woman I was seeking therapy from at the time, trying to repair my relationship with Sage's father, or just a general statement about my life. So it's a mantra of sorts, a reminder, a little nudge. And here it was screaming at me from my television this morning. What was I doing just laying around when this man so joyfully wakes up every morning and embraces life? What the -

So I rolled (literally) out of bed, jumped in the shower, got ready for my day and here I go - to face life, instead of hiding in my nest of blankets - to get things done...to spend my time, rather than wasting it.

That doesn't mean that tomorrow I won't do the same thing I always do, but for today that man is on my mind and his joy for his life and his readiness to face death - well, he's my inspiration today.

When I was five and six

This morning before I woke up I had one of those dreams, one of those dreams that I know what I'm doing and why, although I didn't choose to be where I was. 


The bones of the dream are that I had returned to the site of the daycare I had attended at age 5. Although I didn't see people in the dream, I was accompanied by one or two others, and someone let me into the house. (The preschool had either been someone's home at one point, or just looks like a house). I introduced myself as having formerly gone there and asked if I could look around. 


The first thing I noticed was the smell. It still had that smell of onions, dirty diapers, and baby powder. I wondered about how I could smell something in a dream. I walked through the front rooms, recalling what they had been when I was there...and I made note that there was carpet and the carpet was white shag. (not that bright heavenly white, but a sort of just-steam-cleaned white). The walls were white, too. Walking around, I was aware of everything I remember from there but I pushed those memories aside. 


I was in a room with a desk, I guess. On the desk was one of those metal frames that folds and you can put a picture in each side. On one side was my brother and on the other side was me. They were black and white, as if the photos were taken in the 50's. 


In another room I found what I didn't realize I was looking for. A single white shelf with a few random items, another photo - this one of me. It was a smaller, color photo of me as a 5 or 6 year old with my hair styled in a 60's teenager style. I was wearing green and white and looked like my mom. Behind the photo I noticed a book. It was thin, and the cover was still glossy white. On the spine it said C. Bear (and something after it). 


At least I think it did, because I was waking up, and the shock and excitement of finding the book I have been searching for my entire life was racing through my mind. By the time I reached to pick it up, I was aware of myself and I woke up and the actual memories of the preschool started flooding in around me. The crying babies, the dark room, cots, goulash, counting to a million...blood...having to hold a diaper to my head to cover the wound while I waited for my stepfather...I waited a few minutes before opening my eyes to reality.


I have such vivid memories of that part of my life, that place, and even the smells. But the thing I lost - the thing I keep looking for - was a book about my teddy bear, a book that came with my bear, the reason I named my bear Charles. 


I still have Charles. His squeaker doesn't work anymore. He's missing an eye. His paws have been replaced multiple times. He's still my Charles Bear, though, and I want to find his book.

Nothing Really

I suck at being consistent. 


I should just call this blog "Good luck with that" or "I have a new project! Watch for       "


So, hang in there my three followers. As Facebook creates its slow demise, I will most likely       . (haha)

Adventures in Yogurt

Back in the olden days, when I was a kid, my mom opened a frozen yogurt shop downtown. It was strategically located by several downtown lunch hotspots, and offered healthy lunches and the newest craze - Frogurt. I loved the days that I was out of school and I helped my mom in the little lunch shop. I felt all grown up when all of the "work people" were in there wearing suits and "work clothes" and I got to serve them their sandwiches and especially their Frogurt.


Frogurt kind of fizzled after that.


We always ate yogurt growing up. Snacks and party food included a bowl of strawberry yogurt, with chopped up bananas and strawberries for dipping. Strawberry shortcake was served with yogurt instead of whipped cream. I don't even like whipped cream.


As an adult, i always buy yogurt and then end up not eating it. I'm kind of bummed they stopped putting lids on the yogurt, because I can't use the cup again as a "to go" container. I have almost stopped buying yogurt for this reason alone. Anyhow, I'm going off-topic here.


I went to the grocery store for the first time in about 3 months (we do everything we can to avoid the actual "Grocery Store" and stick to the smaller markets.) I like having Greek yogurt (a new development in the past couple of years) for breakfast, especially with berries and toasted walnuts. Anyhow, when I got to the yogurt aisle on this shopping trip, I was stunned, and heard Angels in the background. Yogurt has changed since I was a kid. They make yogurt in a tube now, and yogurt in colors and with pictures and animations (for children) that has about as much sugar in it as ice cream. They make yogurt with babies on it, I suppose to encourage people to buy yogurt for their infants. There is yogurt for sensitive stomachs, organic yogurt, soy yogurt, plain yogurt, low fat yogurt, fat free yogurt, and about 27 other kinds of yogurt now. I usually look at the "other" yogurt in disgust, and head straight to the greek yogurt.


Until yesterday.


Apparently, we are having a yogurt boom. Besides the 27 kinds of yogurt I mentioned above, there are new yogurts now. Fancy yogurts.I'm not even talking about frozen yogurt yet. Just plain, soft, yummy yogurt. I think I spent $30 dollars and 45 minutes on yogurt yesterday, because this time my trip to the yogurt aisle was an ADVENTURE! My daughter even questioned my plethora of yogurt when she unloaded the groceries, as I had three or four different brands, and about 8 different flavors.


First, was Noosa Yogurt. Holy cow. (pfft! lol). It might have taken me ten minutes alone to select a flavor and in the end I left with all of them except the rubharb because I don't know if I even like that. Then, there was Greek Gods Yogurt, Oikos Greek Yogurt, Chobani Yogurt, and even Icelandic yogurt! So much yogurt, so many flavors! I got excited and bought them all.


So, for as long as I remember to do it, because I always forget when I decide to do something every day, I am going to give you the low-down on each yogurt. Even if it is just a few words. And when I'm finished with this yogurt, I'm going back to try more. I will call this - "My Adventures In Yogurt" and as boring a topic as it may be, only 3 people read this blog anyway so it's all good. (literally).


Not to be forgotten, I have a whole nother chapter for Frozen Yogurt. The new frozen yogurt craze is what reminded me of my mom's yogurt shop to begin with. From Pinkberry, to Cherryberry, to OrangeLeaf - frozen yogurt has evolved to a self serve adventure that is the best thing since waffle cones were invented! My yogurt adventure will include reviews on these places as well.


So, let the adventure begin!

Random sight of the day

Girl in a skin tight short black mini dress with stilletto heels, suggestively posed on the steps of Trinity Episcopal Church with her leg spread and resting on the side of the door - model pose for a photographer. Totally sacreligious lol!!!!If I could have, I would have shot a photo of it!

HAPPY SPRING!

spring!

Yesterday was so gorgeous. I couldn't resist - I had to spend it outside, especially after Saturday was SO overcast and dismal and I had to go do things outside of my home area. (I wanted to stay home and work on my house).

I bought a lawn mower, and put it together. I mowed my yard, which took a while because my back yard consists mainly of weeds and it had rained in the early morning. I may weed-eat this week, it felt so good to be out. I put out weed & feed AGAIN since it didn't seem to work last time (even though it rained after I applied it), and I put down grass seed in my front yard where the ground had been dug up to raise up the foundation. I watered the front yard, after putting down the seed and stamped the seeds into the wet ground after I watered, so the little baby seeds can become grass before the birds get it. I bet I see sprouts by this weekend!

Spring Cleaning is the theme of the week! Clean, Clean, Clean! Throw out old stuff, move stuff, I am so PUMPED for this! I may even start to go to work earlier this week (but not today lol)

My goals for this Spring:

• Get my house back to being comfortable where I can invite people inside at any time.
• Take care of my yard, play with it 
• Get more exercise and sunshine
• get up earlier, go to bed earlier
• reconnect with my friends
• Take care of the things that need to be taken care of regarding maintenance of my home.

Happy Springtime Everyone!!!

Freaking Teenagers

This doesn't even have a link, it is simply a vent.

I will start first, and move backward.

I just had a conversation with my daughter about Japan. I asked her what the islands were called, and how far away the nuclear blasts were from where she will be visiting. I also asked if her fellow Japanese students all were able to reach their families.

a) She didn't know Japan HAD names for their Islands, let alone what they call the Island where she will be (may be) staying in June.
b) She KIND of knew how many reactors had exploded, but didn't really know which one(s) or where.
c) She showed no real interest or knowledge of her fellow Japanese students, or the status of their families or their hometowns.

I know this shouldn't surprise me much, as teenagers go, but it pisses me off. And it pisses me off because when we sit down and I ask her these questions and she doesn't know the answer, she acts pissed off at me! I finally told her, Look - you are getting ready to be on your own. In less than 2 years you are going to have to figure out how to navigate the world ON YOUR OWN. I told her, your most valuable asset, besides your teacher, the library, and me IS THE INTERNET.

The whole time we were having this "conversation" (I was talking, and she was being disrespectful and acting like she was in trouble, even though I gave her the chance to speak, and asked why she was acting so put out that I was having this conversation with her when she wasn't even in trouble. no answer for a very long time, and then just "I don't know" . SO - my answer was - great! If you can't show me more interest in the country for which you have spent the past four years of your life learning how to speak their language, I WILL change your curriculum to include Asian History - which you so eloquently expressed you didn't want to take because it's a "Waldron Class". Guess what? If you aren't going to ask the right questions to learn what you need to learn in life, I am going to direct you to take the classes that make you ask the questions.

And, as the "mean mom" I will go further, and restrict your access to things that are consuming your energy and preventing your survival mechanism from kicking in. Mine kicked in because my parents were so dysfunctional that I had to learn how to be an adult before I was supposed to. I'm starting to think that's not a bad idea. I'm not making your decisions for you. I'm not planning your life. I am making suggestions, I am reminding you of deadlines, I am asking pertinent questions that make you think about what is getting ready to happen in the next year and a half, and if I piss you off while I'm making you think about it, too fucking bad. WAKE UP!

I am starting to see why there are generational differences between generations. "Enlightened" parents raise complacent children. "Close-minded" parents raise enlightened children - go figure.

I'll stop here because I'm just  venting, but I'm not going to give up just because she acts put out that I'm asking her questions that she should know after 3 years of Japanese that I KNOW the answers to.

I'm so pissed. I'm pissed that she acts like she's in trouble becuse I'm explaining what makes a creative smart person (asking questions, and finding the answer). I'm pissed that when I aske her why she is acting like she is pissed off, she can't even answer me - she doesn't know!

ARGH! I am blessed that I haven't had to deal with the teenage rebellion thing - but no one warned me about the Teenage Passivist. (I don't even know if I spelled that right.)

Flake

I was really looking forward to this birthday party.
I was invited. I was invited by a phone call - someone took extra time to call me and invite me, and I was excited to go and I said yes. I put it on my calendar, when asked I told other people "i have plans Saturday night" and was happy that I had plans.

But here I am, 10:20 on Saturday night, and I couldn't do it.
I couldn't go.

The link connected with the title of this blog really sums it up, but the synchronictiy is there too - i.e. the question was asked by "Kimberly", the first comment was made by "Kim", and one of the early responses was from "Jon R." (In my world that would have been Jon Ross/John Ross/ JR/ I'd go on, but he died so it doesn't matter). Of the responses I read, "Jon R." said it best (mostly) even though our JR is gone forever:

November 13, 2009 at 10:04 am Jon R.(4)

Valid strategy or maladaptive behavior? I think that without question it’s maladaptive. Why? Because it makes me feel worse, not better. (And yes, I share every one of the behaviors Sarah listed.)By coincidence, I was discussing just this behavior with my physician yesterday. I feel better today — have been in a severe depressive episode for several days now —  - Maladaptive, yes; also perfectly understandable. The question I’ve been asking myself during this latest period of mental darkness and confusion and near-despair is, why should I have to feel guilty about doing this? Yes, I know many things I “should” be doing instead. But I would like to ask anybody who proposes a “should” to me to step inside my body and my psyche for even an hour and then see what proposals come to mind. If you haven’t been to this place, there is no way to convey what it’s like. On my good days, I feel like I imagine most people feel on a “fairly” good day. And even that brief reprieve scares me because very often it’s hypomania and I know from long experience what’s about to happen next.

Back on topic: I didn't go to the party. I could have made it by now. Today, I spent the day replacing my entry door(s). My old friend picked me up, took me to Lowes and Home Depot, and we picked up new doors, the hardware for the doors, and other stuff. We brought it all back to the house, and started replacing the front door. It took WAY longer than we thought it would - parts of the door frame had to be chiseled away, shims had to be put in places to make it "plumb", a lot of work went in to making the door free from breezes, light, burglers, etc. and it took a long time. When the time of the party started, and overlapped with fixing the door, I was relieved. I was relieved that I had a reason to not go out of the house and be around people. I didn't have to shower now, or find something to fit my fat body that still makes me feel pretty - I'm free for the night. But, we stopped with the front door. The first part of construction on the door was finished by 8pm. We saved the screen door and insulation for tomorrow. By all rights, I could have showered, gone to the bank, and still been at the party by now. But I can't do it. I kept trying - I kept trying to move myself to that point of wanting to get up and go out and be around people but I can't. And I was really looking forward to tonight.

How do I stop sabatoging myself? How do I get back to ME? How do I get excited about going out at the TIME I'm supposed to go out? Right now, it feels like torture. Being around a lot of happy, pretty, people feels like torture. When I'm around them...I feel - less than. I feel unworthy. I feel like a reject or a failure to a degree. I'm still not back to my social self, I guess. And I'm afraid I'm hurting people's feelings by being so unavailable to most. But I can't do anything about it yet.

Yet is the magic word. I feel like I'm getting closer. A little at a time. And I think that the gradual work that is being done on my home (foundation, plumbing, doors, windows, cleaning/organizing/purging) is part of my process. It feels like it. My front door - it still needs to be finished out, but it is hung, it has a doorknob, lock, safety window - and it is "plumb" and no breezes can get through and it feels...right. The whole thing isn't even finished - we still have the trim and the screen door to install (and the back door, but I'm sure that represents an entirely different part of my psyche).

And yesterday, my house was cleaned and there is a "wall" of perfectly folded clothing along the edge of the bed - between my bedroom door and where I sleep. It felt so good to go to bed last night with that "barrier" between me and the bedroom door. I felt safe, and comforted.

Now that I sit here looking at my front door and think about my clean house, the parts of me that were shaken up when my foundation was lifted/repaired last weekend, feel settled. And I want to relish that feeling because I don't feel it often.

To be more specific (if you are still reading, you are too patient LOL) the front door is what did it. Now I feel better about who can enter. Right now is the first time in I can't even tell anyone for how long that I don't feel like ... extracting justice ... from the two people who have haunted me for the past three to four months. Right now is the first time that I can think about it (them) and not feel like sending another e-mail, reminding them of how they hurt me, trying to make them feel guilty enough to explain whatever it is to me that I thought needed to be explained.

I think that the explination is either obvious, or it is inexplicable. I feel settled, that I couldn't have done anything different to change the course of actions. It wasn't me. It really wasn't. So maybe...once my doors and windows are intact...the trim is replaced...the locks are secure...the breeze can blow in my home without leaving any doors/windows unlocked - I'm getting there. "we" (all of me) are getting there.

I just wish I could get past this antisocial stage. I wish my brain had power over my will. I wish everything was more logical.

But for today, I flaked. I flaked on a party I wanted to go to. I let people down and disappointed people who were looking forward to seeing me. I don't feel good about it - as they are concerned. But at this very moment I do feel better here in my home than out with a bunch of people who need and want the life and energy that is "being social."

I don't have any extra right now. I just can't do it. I can't give it, let alone take it. I don't want to pretend, which is what I have been doing. I'm happier here, right now. But I know that my goal is to be able to go out and BE. Out. I want to be able to integrate and give and take, and be the old me - I'll find it, I know.

After today, though, after the little piece of firming up the infrastructure, I feel better. Pretty soon, I'll be out. I'll feel good. I'll be me again. I hope by then, all my friends haven't given up on me.

water

the waves, as cliche as it sounds (which is also cliche), are getting stronger, deeper, and they carry purpose.
like those ripples in front of the Royal Viking Sun (or the Titanic) they are parting for it, signal for approach
I am anxious
I'm not sure what this go-around will be like
It feels significant
I don't remember considering the approach of the fish as much as I have considered the fish

I guess that means that this time I have to hear, swim with, sing with, use my prettiest fins to splash the water just so it looks purple, or hot pink, or green.

Time to talk to Water about this next part of the stuff I have to do
That last part was as much fun as it wasn't, actually more so
I think this time I would like to negotiate first

QUOTES

I need somewhere to put quotes I hear and like. I just read this one today:

"Man must cease attributing his problems to his environment and learn again to exercise his will -- his personal responsibility." - Albert Schweitzer

New Happy Day

I have recovered from yesterday's rant, and I let all that hate stuff go today. Once I managed to get out of bed this morning, all was well so I continue to share my thoughts I started the other day - before the hate-monster took over.

I am happy to announce that the rock that has been residing at my Solar Plexus did not show up for work today! I feel good...mostly...and I even feel a little happy.

I have the most amazing friends. (I'm talking about my real friends) They have given me affirmation after affirmation and prayer after prayer and energy and light and a hand up whenever I have needed it. I love all of you and I want you to know how eternally grateful I am.

And Ben, thanks for reminding me who had my smile. It's nice to have it back.

MAY I PLEASE JUST CATCH A BREAK, HERE???

Disclaimer: This is a rant. This is only a rant. If this were a real plea for a break it would require me relinquishing all of the positive things I have learned in my life, so please don't tell them to me because I already know.

I AM REALLY TIRED OF BAD NEWS. It's like I can't catch a break. I have a "New Bad News of the Month" club now, or something. I'M PISSED! I hate liars, I hate insurance companies, I hate mean people, I hate dishonest people, I hate people who have their mind so made up they won't listen to anything that doesn't fit their little tiny box of opinion and understanding, I hate hospital accounting offices, I hate "we can't do that because we don't do that, no matter what the circumstances", I hate the word "no", I hate cheaters, I hate Sarah Palin, I hate the Tea Party, and I hate that I am currently hating so many things!!

There. I said it.

That is all. I am finished ranting.

Spirited Away

I thought I'd post a bunch of stuff that is in my head so that maybe I can move on to filling it with other stuff.

First, the song. It's stuck in my head. I love the sound of her voice and the way it just flows...and the movie is my favorite. 

For that matter...I'm spirited away. My head is somewhere, my heart is somewhere else off on its own, my body is here at work in my work chair accomplishing little, and my spirit...it is just away right now. I can almost reach it, I can almost gather them all back together...but i just miss them. 

I saw this quote today that I liked: "I do not have what I own, nor do I have what I do. I only have what I am." - D. Trinidad Hunt It makes quite a bit of sense to me. I would even add "I own what I do" and it would end the same way.

Well...I'm out of time, so you just got a small glimpse into the scattered energy that is me today. Scattered or not...it has been a good day. I was able to tame one errant thought...laugh at another...and act on yet another. The rest are still errant however, so wish me luck!

In the rabbit hole

I am in the rabbit hole.
I’m falling, I’m not afraid – I see the piano, the harmonica, the paint and canvas, the lights, the rabbit
My fall is slow and I control the direction – I even wonder if I’m falling or not
I pick up the paint, and onto the canvas I depict my recent…well…stuff
It is beautiful, and scary, and it grows larger as I fall…I still see light as I look up to see how large it has become
I look down, and see light
I wonder how anyone can see light while they are falling – isn’t that reserved for those who are risen?
I’m not in the World, though.
I am in the rabbit hole.