Wednesday, November 15, 2017


I have been doing experiments.

Sage is well - and there's a new chapter 'could be included in experiments. I love her so much.

Halloween Happened...I'll write about that

Met Kris Kristofferson...more there

RJ decided friendship isn't really a priority to him

early am gym is working out...if not difficult.

I cut the cable chord, switched to streaming, gave Sage half of her bills to start paying, and I"m still overdrawn. How do I crawl out of this??

These are all things I want to write about. I will.

And...I met someone.
That's what I'm posting about. I met someone.

This is him. I think I have known him forever somehow.

I question(ed) everything at first. the point where I felt a duty to slow things down, and act opposite of my instincts and desire...I did the opposite. I threw caution to the wind. I gave in. I decided that this time, I am going to jump in with both feet, I'm going to wear my heart on my sleeve, say what I think, bask in the attention instead of distrusting it, and return the warm, seemingly genuine energy being directed at me. (me!) .I am going to risk losing someone by being honest, and trusting him at the same time.

I may be writing my next relationship obituary, but I am going to enjoy being called baby, and other nicknames like Lil miss badass, and all that. I'm going to enjoy feeling warm fuzzy and being honest enough to give someone else warm fuzzies.

I do want to find a solid foundation. God, family values, an interest in running a household together...the way things should be. Is it this easy? Did I find someone that easy?

If so, I thank God.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

It seems the main thing that tethers us to sanity is the ability to ignore the Bigger Picture, or at least ignore enough parts of it that we don't implode. I feel most un-tethered when I start feeling the realities that I cannot control - the existence of More - and struggle with the skill of focusing on the little tasks and facts that ground us. Today is one of those days. It doesn't help that I am very sleepy, and want to be alone and away from other people to just think, sleep, and write. 

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Strange Days Indeed

Today feels weird. 

I know I'm awake, but I feel like I'm dreaming. I feel uneasy, tired, and I can't quite focus. 

I found out last night via text message that I got fired from my part time job that I have only had for two months (on Saturday and Sunday each week). On the one hand, I was worn out from working seven days per week, and I didn't ever really feel like I fit in, and sometimes I would think about quitting. On the other hand, I thought that I was doing well for a job I only worked two days per week and never really had more training than a few hours of "this is how this works" and then sink or swim after that. I thought I was swimming...or at least dog-paddling...until I got a text from my friend last night that said that we were not going to be on the schedule because Tally was unhappy with the evening shift. ("not on the schedule" is code for "you're fired") At first, I was so ecstatic! I have my weekends back!! I don't have to quit now!! I'm not going to be dead on my feet every Monday or miserable every Saturday and Sunday night! But then today the reality that I got fired for the first time ever is sinking in and I think my ego is a bit bruised. So I texted the owner and asked him why I got fired, and he told me that it was because no one ever trained me right, so when I ring up a ticket that a waitress wrote, if the waitress forgot to write the charge on the ticket, I'm not noticing it and therefore not charging the customer for it and he can't afford to be giving away free meals. Alrighty, then. I replied back "I understand. I didn't know I was doing that. Thank you." And so here I sit - pissed that no one bothered to properly train me, or at least point out my mistakes so I could learn from them, yet relieved that I don't have to go to work there anymore. Such a strange set of conflicting feelings. 

The weather is overcast and cold. I can hear jackhammers outside the building. I have a cold that seems to be rallying after I thought it was gone and it is making me more tired than usual (I feel like I'm always tired anymore). I'm itchy in random places. I am uneasy. (I know I mentioned that already but I just am.)

The headlines on my browser home page are as follows:
• Oklahoma lawmakers OK bill criminalizing performing abortion
• All 7 crew members safe as B-52 crashes on Guam
• Colorado movie theater isn't liable for 2012 mass shooting
• Manning appeal seeks reversal of charges or reduced sentence
• Judge in Freddie Gray-officer trial grills prosecutors
• Cosby spends millions as lawsuits, criminal case rage on
• 9 deaths, no charges raise questions about oversight agency
• McCrory lawsuit against feds may shift narrative on LGBT law
• NASA's Valkyrie robots set the table for human life on Mars
• New penis recipient looks forward to being a 'complete' man

For some reason that combination of headlines adds to my unease. On the one hand, the State that I occupy has done the unthinkable (and unconstitutional). And on the flip side of that some guy just got a penis replacement. I have thoughts on the other headlines, both good and bad, but these headlines wear me out and they don't seem real. Nothing seems real right now and maybe that's why I feel so uneasy. I kind of just want to go home and sleep until tomorrow. 

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

I did it!

I turned 47 last week. And at 47, I weigh less than I did at 27. Also, I'm stronger. If you scroll down to past posts you can see what I used to look like. This is what I look like today:

I weigh 129 pounds and my body fat percentage is 22.9%

Here is a before I started training/now comparison:

My goal now is to get to 20% body fat percentage, then to maintain that and learn how to figure out my own training program. I hate running, but some day I'd like to run those fun 5K runs that some of my friends do - and enjoy it. 

I still eat a 95% Paleo menu, although on the lifestyle end of things I am not getting as much sleep as I should be. I have started trying to go to bed earlier but even with Daylight Savings that isn't an easy feat for me. 

I have come to the realization that I couldn't have discovered Paleo at a better time, as it turns out I am experiencing symptoms of premenopause. Body temperature fluctuations (not just hot flashes, but first I get so cold, and then there is the hot flash, and then I'm cold again) restlessness/insomnia/waking up often during the night, mood fluctuations (thank you Xanax) and other little subtle or not-so-subtle things that mess with my biology. All of this will exist regardless, but it is lessened by the way I have been eating for the past 18 months, I think. I'm still doing some research. 

Another thing I am researching is how this diet affects blood lipid levels. My triglycerides are lower than ever - 62, but my cholesterol is up - both good and bad cholesterol. So, I am now researching how eating Paleo can effect one's "bad cholesterol" and how to fix that. More on that later. 

Now I must venture off to Tuesday night training, even though I'm sleepy, achy, and short of breath (stupid allergies). I'm making myself go because I AM that strong and once I start moving and lifting I will feel much better. TTFN

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

PMS or First World Problems?

All of the headlines on my Yahoo page read like a tabloid. Is there no news today, or did someone new get the Tuesday Sensationalism job? They're doing a bang-up job. "Behemoth" Daddy Longlegs, CIA Releases Secret UFO Pics, something about the Jenners, something about Rhonda Rousey dating someone's husband, "Amazing" photo of woman who looks like a hotel corridor "Goes Viral" - give me a fucking break. She had on a shirt that matched the wall. Someone got paid to write about that. I'm in the wrong business. I wouldn't mind getting paid to write stupid headlines and non-stories. Although, now that I think about it, I would rather be the person who finds the pictures that match the headlines - the ones of famous people's facial expressions.

Work is irritating today. People who don't normally irritate me are making me snap at the people who do [normally irritate me]. I'd be more specific but someone might read this someday. 

I'm sick. I haven't been sick since last March. This is just a cold, and day 3 of the cold, but I'm pissed off that I got sick. I was doing so well. And, while I would like to go home and sleep all day that just won't help so here I am at work being pissed off and writing about it. 

People are driving weird. I almost got hit twice on the way to work. I was driving in the left lane, and two separate cars just meandered into my lane WHILE I WAS IN IT and either realized at the last minute that I was there, or they just meandered back. The first one almost gave me a heart attack, and when I looked into my rear-view mirror afterwards, they stayed in their right lane but kept swerving a little to the left. Even some of the cars in front of me were riding that middle line to the left of them. I wonder if that is a sign of how things are going to go in Iowa on Monday.

On a more random note...this reminds me of the day I went to work on a Saturday, and all of the vehicles downtown except mine were minivans. One almost ran into me, and the other two or three weren't really even driving in lanes. It was like I had wandered into a minivan farm, with minivans just bumbling along however they like. It could have been a scene straight out of CARS.

I was looking up links for how to deal with frustration and whether it is good for you to vent your problems or not. The first article I looked at said it isn't good for you. Fuck off. The second article gave 10 examples of how to deal with frustration. two examples were something reasonable I could do right now, one would get me committed, two or three would make me cry, another one is impossible at this time in my life, five would result in sweat, three are things I hate doing, and a couple would just put me to sleep at this point in time.

So, yeah.

Friday, October 9, 2015

There are times in life, when, no matter how hard you have tried to hold back the bad memories and experiences something inevitably happens to break the dam. Today is one of those days.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

13 months. 
That is how long it has been. 13 months.
I have lost 54 pounds.
I still eat Paleo, with maybe 1 "cheat day" per week.
I work out 5-6 days per week, 3 of those days are strength training. 
I take Zumba and Hip-Hop fitness dance classes. Classes!! I used to have panic attacks in classes! I still might, if there were more people, but the place I go to has smallish classes and the women I have been dancing with are some of my new favorite people. 

Here are pictures of my journey:

Beginning weight - 185-190 pounds +/-:

I am almost embarrassed to post those, but I only have 3 followers so I don't mind that much, LOL. The first two, I had taken on purpose as "before" pictures, in case I ever lost weight. The third was the week before I made the decision to do it. I was lifting my arms to show my friend I had shorts on under my "fat dress" to keep my thighs from rubbing together.

I avoided having my picture taken again for a while, until I had an evening with Mary, learning to sew Christmas projects. 
I was about 173 lbs here, I think. I had lost enough for people who hadn't seen me in a while to notice that I had dropped some weight. 

Then came Winter. I was losing an average of 5-6 lbs per month using a combination of MFP (myfitnesspal) and Paleo. So in these photos I was in my 160 lbs:
 About 165 lbs
About 163 lbs

161 lbs

Valentines Day came around and I had lost another 5-6 lbs, putting me at 156 lbs:

In March, I went to New York, where it was very cold. I had gotten down to about 156 lbs but gained a few pounds while I was there because it was my birthday and I ate however I wanted, and drank beer:
This was at Lake George, about 156-159 lbs.

When I got back from vacation, I quickly dropped my vacation weight, and was back down to about 153 lbs within a couple of weeks:

 Got my hair cut at 148 lbs

Took my next set of progress photos either just before or just after I got my hair cut, at 145-148 lbs.

At this point, I had lost 45 pounds mainly by changing my diet. I was exercising occasionally but not seriously and I had been reading about being "skinny fat". 5 pounds away from my first weight loss goal (140 lbs, in the "normal" BMI category). So, I signed up for fitness classes and hired a personal trainer. Here are my "before" shots at 145 pounds:

I gained about 4 pounds after I started working out because I didn't realize how to adjust my calories. staying on a 1200 +/- calorie daily intake, I managed to get back to the 145 lbs I started with, but it took longer since I was building muscle at the same time.

By my anniversary date of September 2, I weighed 139.5 lbs!!! Here is a picture of me and Sage the week after that:

50 lbs lost in 52 weeks! A steady, normal way to lose weight and keep it off! So happy! 

And as of this posting, i weigh 136 lbs. Here is a picture of me with some of my Zumba friends last Friday night:

In my next entry I will re-post a before picture, and the most current after picture, along with my before and after body weight, measurements, body fat percentage, etc. This has been such a fun project! Ta ta for now!! 

Monday, February 16, 2015

New Stuff

Hello! Long time no blog. 

It snowed last night, and iced, so my Monday is a bit off, which I like. (good off, not bad off) 

I'm sitting here at our reception desk, in our main building which I haven't worked at in almost a month. I have been commuting to one of our field offices for the past few weeks. I wake up very early in the morning (which is NOT something I do naturally) and within an hour I am in my car for the hour-long drive to the office. It has become both my favorite and least favorite time of the day. Waking up so early is just NOT fun, but once I am up and around I am happy about my day. 

Before now, I had forgotten what it looked like to see the sun and moon both in the sky at the same time. On my way out of town, I pass the industrial area and the train yards. Since it is pretty cold outside the steam coming from the plants becomes art, with the hint of a sunrise behind the stacks but all of the lights are still on. Such a beautiful and new way to see our city. By the time the sun has come up enough, I notice the cows, the old farm houses, and sometimes deer in the fields along the road. At the halfway point there is an old rusty truck in the middle of a grove of trees, catching my eye because of the bits of turquoise paint that show through the rusty spots. I wonder how much I will miss all of these new scenes once I go back to work in our main office. 

Being here in the main office today is random. Our receptionist is sick at home and the road I have come to love is covered in ice and is treacherous right now. I snuck in another hour or two of sleep this morning, once I realized the drive would be near impossible to make. 

I am still living my Paleo lifestyle and loving it. This past weekend, Valentine's weekend, was the first time I ate tortilla chips since August. I ate 6 of them. I have lost 33.5 lbs since I started this journey and today is the first time I have been able to wear size 6 jeans in over 8 years! It feels so good! I have learned to cook several things by heart now - I just have to check the oven temperature because I can never remember that part. I am able to give advice to others who are struggling with weight loss, as I have learned much along the way. I still have between 11 and 20 lbs to go until I hit my goal weight, but I am so happy with the way I feel right now and I have a new drive that has been missing for a long time. 

As I lose the pounds, I feel like losing stuff. I want to just throw out most of my furniture, most of my old junk, most of the clutter in and around my desk, and just start over. I'm browsing through one of my favorite "wishbooks" grandinroad, which is put together by FRONTGATE. The realization just hit me that I'm ready for NEW STUFF. 

Not just things, but experiences and spaces and New paint. New arrangements of my stuff. New energy and ideas. New ways to interact with people and objects around me. 

I will be 46 in a month. The first time I said that out loud, was the first time I have ever felt trepidation about my age. As per usual I feel like I am a kid just pretending to be a grown-up, but there is a part of me that feels in charge of that kid now. That part of me is the new. That part of me speaks up when the child would be timid. That part of me is bold. That part of me knows that I can make a decision, and stick to it. I still struggle with feeling lazy and unmotivated on the weekends. I want to sleep in, watch my shows, play games...but even then I manage to get in a load of laundry, a load of dishes, and take out the trash. Sometimes I even clean the cat boxes when I feel like that. So even the way I am lazy is new. Ha! 

New stuff. That is going to be my 2015, I see. How very exciting to be me!

Monday, December 8, 2014

Empty Nest Syndrome II

So, yeah.

Empty Nest Syndrome II is my new invention. It is what I am calling the second phase of my child's journey into independence and adulthood.

I kind of set myself up for this by a) being a single parent and b) only having one child. If I had a partner with whom I had raised my daughter, I could lean on him for distraction, support, and sporadic fights about how I'm being too dramatic. Instead, I am both roles. If I had had another child, I could wholly devote my life to it and transfer any feelings of loss to that remaining child, smothering it with attention and extra time and excessive interest in its personal life thus relieving my first child of the brunt of my inexplicable feelings of loss and fuzzy boundaries.

Furthermore, I have a clearly dysfunctional relationship with my only child daughter. We talk when things get tough. I don't try to control her very much because she makes good choices and I trust her to continue to do so 98% of the time. We rarely disagree, and therefore we rarely fight. If we do disagree, we have a discussion about it. If we know that a discussion will lead to a fight, we usually table the topic until our emotions have chilled out. When we do "fight" it is logical and respectful and mature. If necessary there are apologies. *sigh What is a mother to do?

I'm sorry. I left you hanging with "Wait what?" because, Empty Nest I.

THAT Empty Nest Syndrome is when your (only) child lives with (only) you her whole life, and then moves to college all of a sudden and you are left at home looking at the cats like "have you done your homework?" THAT Empty Nest Syndrome is the emotional equivalent of being plucked out of your busy, colorful life and dropped into...Outer Space. That's what they call the regular Empty Nest Syndrome. They say it isn't a real medical condition but that if it lasts more than a couple weeks to take a couple aspirin and call a psychiatrist. So, a year later I did. It helped. Until now.

Now I'm realizing that there is a next phase to this damn thing that isn't a medical condition. It happens when said kid has been at college for several years, making their own plans and decisions on a daily basis without consulting you, and then they continue to do it when they aren't at college. *screeching brakes "Wait what?"

Yes. Empty Nest Syndrome II. The moment you realize that your adult child is of legal age and can and will make plans and decisions without consulting you first. And, news flash - you still don't have that second parent or still-at-home kid with lots of attention being poured into its life. And the cats can't go on vacation with you. So, it's back to Outer Space for you!

Seriously, though. I have spent the past 2-3 years rediscovering myself, finding new interests, and letting my daughter be the adult I raised her to be. It is known that single child/single parent relationships are closer than most because the two forge their way in the world together. Together, we have been forging the past few years through the world apart - together. So yes, ENSI was difficult. But I got through it, as did she (I don't think they know it exists.) This part, though, this part is fuzzy. When does it become okay for me to say "I come first because I grew you" and when is that inappropriate? I feel like, as long as she calls our home her home away from college, and I'm paying her car and health insurance and cell phone bill and doing what it takes to get her through school, that the time that we usually spend together should be up for discussion before she starts making adult decisions all over the place. i.e. I still get to have input into non-college-time decisions. 

So. ENSII is all about that. Its about how... now that you have embraced your mostly very empty nest, and you and your adult child have begun refining your separate identities, you have to figure out how to share it with this new adult that you grew from egghood, and how to live together as separate adults. How much of their new adult life should you expect to share with them? What level of adult are they if they are still living at home? What are the rules? What are the boundaries? What is too much, and what is not enough? Why do I feel like I'm losing her all over again when I still get irritated that she hasn't cleaned her room, she still misses me and wants to spend time with me, and she still eventually comes home? I guess I just wait two weeks and if it isn't gone I'll take two aspirin and call a psychiatrist.

PS - I am NOT that mom who feels it necessary to insist my adult child move out of the house. As long as we can maintain a peaceful coexistence, I would rather her enjoy what is left of her childhood plus have a safe place to come home to, until she is too grown up even to do that (spoiler alert: ENSIII) 

Growing up is hard. Even at my age.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Three Months

Tomorrow will mark the 3 month anniversary of my Paleo adventure. 

I have lost at least 22 pounds to date. 

In celebration Out of necessity I bought two new pairs of jeans yesterday. The jeans I have been wearing since this summer are either falling off of me, or I can pull them down without unbuttoning them. I only bought two pairs because I have an entire bag of jeans that are the next size down and I don't plan on being this size for more than another couple of months.We'll see, right?

The best things that have come out of this journey so far (besides losing weight) are good health, good friends, cooking experiments, and new habits. 

I haven't been sick in months, in spite of a couple close calls with various bugs that travel around an office. I could almost feel my body repel any hint of the virus taking control of my body. The only negative health issues I have had to deal with have been seasonal allergies and the lethargy and sniffles that come with that, and the time my right arm got the flu after a flu shot. lol

My friends have been amazing. They let me yammer on about Paleo this and that, and they even exercise with me, share recipes and free paleo books with me, or are on different weight loss or health journeys. We talk about many of the things that happen in our lives, but we dwell on the good or the solutions rather than wallowing in the bad or negative. Where there is good there will always be bad. The trick is to use one to overcome the other. The people who I feel closest to in my life right now have been through rough times and emerge victorious. With the right energy we can all emerge victorious. 

We can only do that if we change our habits, though. While few in number, I have changed some habits over the past few months. I keep a tidy kitchen, now. I clean a part of my home and/or do laundry each weekend (sometimes it is the same part of my home, but I can go to work on Monday with a feeling of "yes, I did something besides sit on the couch".) I drink less often, and when I do drink alcohol it is dry white wine - which luckily is my favorite. I haven't had beer or tequila in months. I think about tequila sometimes, and then I think about how I am going to feel the next day and I stop thinking about it. I exercise at least twice a week (see amazing friends section lol) - usually more than that. 

The best part, though, and the part that still hasn't burned me out, is cooking. I LOVE to experiment with cooking! In the past few months, I have cooked with lamb, duck, Thai eggplants, Fish Sauce, short ribs, beef tenderloin, and a few other things new to me. I have learned how to make stock/broth, save and cook with animal fats, rotate and cook vegetables and meat before they go bad, and cook and freeze food so that I always have something to take with me for lunch! I still have so much more to learn! 

Thanks for keeping up with me on this journey. I am so enjoying watching my path unfold before my eyes, and even though there are always going to be road blocks and speed bumps (which I will also write about some days...) there is always a detour to get back on the good road. 

PS - Next time I'll post links to great recipes! This time I posted some good Paleo links for you to check out over there ---------> > > 

Monday, October 27, 2014

OAS, Food Intolerance, and Paleo

Poor and Gluten Free (with Oral Allergy Syndrome): Oral Allergy Syndrome: Recipes, Information and Articles on Oral Allergy Syndrome a.k.a. Food Pollen Allergy *Living with Oral Allergy Syndrome Cookbook now...

I can't believe I found the above site. OAS PLUS recipes and all Gluten-free which can be adapted to a Paleo diet.

While I was a vegetarian (I'm not anymore) I was our chef's nightmare. I didn't eat meat, I am allergic to most raw fruits and vegetables, and I strongly dislike melons and cucumbers. Pretty much the easiest things for me to eat are mushrooms, lettuces, berries, grapes, orange citrus, and ripe bananas. It was easier to explain what I could eat, than what I couldn't. The Poor and Gluten Free (with Oral Allergy Syndrome) website has charts and lists about OAS foods and the pollen allergies they are associated with. Did I mention recipes? They have recipes!

It wasn't until years ago, while I was watching the old CBS Early show with Chris Wragge that I realized that what I was experiencing could be something that other people experienced too. There were two shows wherein they had raw fruit to taste and cook and he couldn't eat either fruit - peaches or pears. Peaches were the first food I was ever allergic to. I had cut one up as usual to put on my cereal, I took a couple bites, and BAM - I wanted to scrape out the inside of my mouth with a sharp razor blade. It was such a miserable feeling. Next, came carrots. Then, celery. 

As I have gotten older, even more food items have followed and are still developing. Basically I am allergic to everything on the Birch Pollen food allergy list except tomatoes and some peppers. I am also allergic to Avocado. I always just say "I'm allergic to anything raw with a pit, seed-core or that is a nut." I am allergic to almost every single ingredient in a Waldorf Salad. They should just call it "Death by OAS salad"And I also find it interesting that I have ragweed allergies and strongly dislike everything on that list except for honey and bananas. (i.e. melon-type foods) 

Enter the Paleo part of this equation.

Why on earth would anyone with food allergies start eating only fruits, vegetables, and healthy meats? Well, this is where it gets interesting. As I came to find out, and as is mentioned in the linked website, All of the OAS foods that I react to, I am able to eat once they cease to be raw. I can eat them cooked, canned, pickled, toasted, roasted, etc. Also, I have eliminated non-OAS yet questionable foods such as dairy, legumes, and grains. While I would have OAS reactions to raw wheat products, the others that I eliminated caused other issues within my system like bloating, tiredness, intestinal issues, etc. I haven't had to take a Tums or Pepcid since I started eating Paleo (we're almost to the 2 month mark). By researching so many Paleo recipes I am learning to once again eat the foods I have avoided for so long because of OAS. I'm learning how to cook them correctly, and to incorporate more variety into my diet. Ironic, huh? Cut out three entire food groups and my diet becomes more colorful. That's Paleo for you (and Gluten free eating for others).

Enough rambling and speculation. The bottom line is, for people with OAS it IS possible to eat many of the foods you are allergic to, and the Poor and Gluten Free website is a treasure for those of us experiencing food allergies, and/or are eating Paleo with OAS. To me, it is yet another light in my formerly dark kitchen where I was afraid of fresh food, grocery shopping, and cooking. 

Monday, October 13, 2014

I Feel Good!

6 weeks Paleo!! 

Well, I feel great. 

I have gotten my grocery shopping down to a science - an enjoyable one, at that. Now that I have my cabinets stocked with the spices, oils, and vinegar that I want, and I have the pans and cooking utensils I want, and I have several kinds of back-up groceries in the freezer, I am finding that it is easier to grocery shop. Now it is simply a matter of going to the store to get what I run out of, which is usually spinach and/or kale, eggs, fresh meat, etc. "Perimeter of Grocery Store" kind of stuff. While more expensive, organic fruits and vegetables are still produce, and not very hard on the grocery bill. I'm finding that when I'm not spending money on packaging and branding my grocery money turns into more/better groceries. 

I'm becoming a better cook. (slowly) Well, okay I'm just enjoying cooking now. I haven't had a horrible cooking disaster in at least a week or two. Saturday evening's salmon was edible and except for the amount of smoke in the house after I finished cooking it, I would consider it a success. Note to self: get more experience cooking salmon. Last night, I sort of followed a recipe for and successfully produced a (sweet potato) Taco Shepherd's Pie that I am eating right now and LOVING. I got the recipe from The Lucky Penny blog and YUM! It is the first thing I have made that really does taste as good as it smells! 

I feel inspired. I don't know if it is this particular Mercury Retrograde, if it is my new lifestyle (after 6 weeks I can call it a lifestyle and not a diet) or if I am experiencing a mood swing, but wow. I look at my kitchen and suddenly I see all of this space I can use differently by trashing cookbooks and old "kitchen stuff" that have just been gathering dust over the years. YEARS OF SPACE I CAN USE! That vision is seeping out to other parts of my house where I see and am inspired to re-create the space by getting rid of old things to make room for healthy space. I want to create things and fix things and organize things and move things. I want the air I breathe to be clean and smell good. I want the space I cook in to be functional and clean and pretty. The best part is that I have the energy and motivation to make these things happen. I have done more to improve my life in the past six weeks than I have in the past few years. I feel like I am waking up from hibernation.

I am healthier. I gave up caring about how much I weigh. The way I see it, if I am exercising and eating right it doesn't matter how fast I lose weight or what size my clothes are - I'm healthy. There isn't a whole heck of a lot else I can do to lose weight. This is the last frontier - I'm there. Either I'll lose weight or I won't and if I don't I'll be a medical anomaly. I refuse to step on a scale again until next week. I realize that with what I just said I should be okay with never stepping on a scale again but I'm still a girl who enjoys seeing the numbers drop, if only a little. And, my tummy pooch is getting smaller and I can see some muscle definition invading the space of the pooch. Pretty soon the pooch will lose. Ha!

So far, with the exception of my little stumbling block last post that could actually be contributed to the waning effects of "low carb flu" I'm doing and feeling great! I'm having to restrain myself from telling everyone to go Paleo - yet I understand that this is a personal journey that speaks to me right now and may not work for everyone. 

So for now, I feel good! And I hope this feeling just continues to reshape me as this is all happening at the perfect time in my life. 

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Body Science

Paleo Week Four. I'm not giving up, nope. 

On the bright side, I don't crave anything, not even cheese. (Yes the earth stopped spinning for a sec)

Besides that, ugh.

So I have been all excited and powered up about this Paleo journey. I jumped in with both feet, gave away all that food I didn't need (feeling a little guilty that I was enabling other people eat that kind of food), started cooking a lot and loving it, and even started keeping my kitchen cleaner and more organized. I started walking more, going to the gym, and added strength training to my schedule. Everything was peachy, until I weighed myself this past week. I had lost four and a half more pounds, but the body composition paper said I had gained fat, and lost muscle and water. WTF?! With all of my new exercise and eating habits, how the heck did I lose muscle and gain fat??


First, I guess I wasn't supposed to weigh in and do my body analysis on the first day of my period. Oops - that makes sense...a little. 

Second, calories. When doing Paleo, it's all about "don't count calories, don't worry about how often or when you eat, just eat when you are hungry" and of course, eat the right foods. Apparently that only means if you are eating your weight in meat and vegetables. Do you know how much natural food it takes to equal the amount you need to get through the day without crashing the moment you get home from work??? Sheesh! So, I broke ranks and started counting calories. I added up my calories from just breakfast and lunch today (and I ate a lot and was full after both meals) and I only had eaten 512 calories. 512. That's not enough to keep a kitten alive! So, I made a list of all the food I have at home that I could eat in order to catch up on my calories ( there is a magic number for my weight, weight loss goals, overall health, blah blah) and managed to squeeze in 487 more calories. So, in spite of the rules I'm gonna have to count calories for a few days to get a picture of how much more I need to eat in a day. 

Third, whatever. This week I have read so many articles about food, protein, muscles, fat, Paleo dos and don'ts, (which often conflict each other based on the source) and the science of our bodies. What I have gotten from it all is that everyone's body is different but we all have to eat certain amounts of protein and carbohydrates like it or not. There goes my "Naked and Afraid" approach.

So, my food and exercise journey is going to consist of figuring out the percentage of plant proteins (nuts) v. animal proteins (meat) v. healthy fats, plus or minus the amount of fruit servings, divided by the number of times I can't sneeze because I did too many ab crunches, times the square root of too much cardio (yes there is such a thing apparently). 

I had no idea I was signing up for Rocket Science. 

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

My Purpose

I have been thinking a lot about Purpose. 

For the past few years I have been wandering around in different clouds of depression, oftentimes just going through the motions because I am alive and have to do something. Until Sage went to college, my purpose was to raise her well. My "I am here to..." was "raise my daughter to be a bright, contributing, functional member of society" and now that she is in college I guess my purpose has grown legs of its own and doesn't need me as much. 

So now what? I find myself asking the same questions I asked a much younger me. Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? What is my purpose in life? Well, I saw this Alicia Keys video yesterday or so, and it gave me the script to begin answering this question. "I am here to..." 

I am coming closer to re-defining what that is or what it could be. I am starting to think that my Purpose is the sum of all of its parts plus how I choose to live my future. I think that right here and now "I am here a light in dark places, have faith and hope where none seems possible, and to share that with others as best as possible." 


Sunday, September 14, 2014

My Paleo Journey - the beginning

I have been on the Paleo diet since a week ago Tuesday. That is 12 days. Anyone following this blog knows how inconsistent I am in my attempts to create a cohesive theme in this blog, anything more than random comments that don't have anything to do with each other. I'm hoping this time is different. 

In the past four years, I have gained at least 20 pounds. The bigger I get, the less confident I become. Don't get me wrong, I have tried to embrace my image and I am fully aware that there are men who enjoy "bigger girls". But I know this - I am a voluptuous short-ish person who will never be thin because that isn't how I was built. I was build with an evolution to large breasts post-childbirth, a round, full ass that I have been blessed with since I was young.  I am a quintessential "hourglass shape" with danger of becoming more apple if I hadn't taken further steps. 

Up until now, I have tried diet upon diet. I had a 3-month stint of being fit by personal trainer, but I burned out and stopped exercising (gained my weight back and then some). 

My ancestors which I resemble most closely were also shortish, large-bosomed, round women with a very strong will. *cough 

So, I accept I inherited those genes. I am resigned to always be soft, and round. I have been with men, romantically, who refer to me as soft Kimberly - in an endearing and appreciative way. My body is that of a woman and I have no desire to change looking like a woman. 

Having said that, I have been embarrassed and ashamed of my latest weight gain. I was eating right, as far as I knew, and my main vice was beer. Admittedly, while I was having regular sex, my blood pressure was lower and I was a bit thinner, but I choose not to take that route right now (I have the option)

I started reading - and after the things I read I was sure that the main culprits were wheat and beer and milk products. They say that my middle is the result of stress but honestly I do not carry much stress these days. Things happen, I process them and let them go. 

My second appointment with my Psychiatrist, who had lost so much weight during the three months that flew by before I saw her again that I thought she was seriously ill, stopped her day of "down to business" and listened to me and gave me a diet. She didn't give me a bunch of handouts that didn't make sense, she wrote down a diet. A way of eating that might help to polish up my mood and my sense of self. It was a rare moment in this day of detached doctors treating symptoms. What she ended up describing was a Paleo diet. A diet I have come to understand will be a way of life. 

First, it was about the food I could and couldn't eat. I could eat meat, fresh veggies and fruits, seeds and nuts, healthy oils. Pretty simple, except that I didn't cook and there isn't a Paleo fast food restaurant yet. I'm falling asleep so I will say this - I am learning how to cook, how to organize my kitchen and therefore a light under my butt to organize my whole life to reflect this very basic way of eating and preparing food, and creating a lifestyle to surround these priorities. 

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


I've always had a difficult time dealing with large tragedies. Whether it be our American Soldiers in the middle east, or Hurricane Katrina and the like. When the Newtown CT shooting happened, it crippled me emotionally. Everything that came after that was just more weight on my already heavy soul. 

This tornado in weighs on me almost as much as that mass shooting. The Boston Marathon bombing (another Boston Massacre) was bad, this is so much worse. 

When the criminal, the person committing the crime, is Nature - what can you do? One person wipes out 100 others, "ban guns". A disease wipes out 100 people "take precautions". An unpredictable tornado wipes out the majority of a neighborhood - um....

I feel helpless. I feel the weight of those people, looking at a pile of sticks and appliances wondering how the next 24 hours of their life will go. I practically absorb the hopelessness. I can't help it no matter how I shield myself. 

I firmly believe that Nature takes care of itself. Overpopulation, imbalance, BAM - the world will get hot, cold, unpredictable in order to restore balance. That's God - like it or not. "God" being that power that is bigger than all of use, that we can't control and can grant us a miracle or take away everything we know and love in a heartbeat. I equate the two on some level. 

I'm not posting this to make any statement, except that I am depressed. I feel dark. I feel heavy. I feel sadness and helplessness, and every siren, gunshot, storm, or explosion makes me tense up waiting for the news. 

That's not me.
That's not who I have been my whole life. 
I WILL get back to myself - I WILL be that person who can see the bigger picture, the beauty in tragedy, the love in hateful acts. I know it exists. I just need to find me again. 

Monday, February 6, 2012

Don't Waste Your Time

My normal Monday morning routine is to listen to the CBS morning news as I slowly gain consciousness and take stock of what is going on outside of my nest of blankets.

I know that the moment I extract myself, my day has started, so I lie there as long as possible just enjoying the feel of "right now" - possibly the only time in my life that I really do that.

This morning was different.

I listened to the story of a man, a Professor of Geriantology or however you spell it - a doctor for the elderly - face his own diagnosis of cancer. (It was the same type of cancer my paternal grandfather died from) The story wasn't about death and doom; rather, it was a story about how he sees life. He is not afraid to die, and he's living his life with joy, teaching others about how it feels to be diagnosed with a terminal illness.

From my blanket Utopia, I remembered a counseling session I had once, wherein my late Aunt Marie sent a message to me - or as the attempt to contact her for advice resulted in the message "Don't Waste Your Time"

Those words are always in my head, whether I am wasting my time or not, and I often wonder if it was about trying to reach her, counseling with the woman I was seeking therapy from at the time, trying to repair my relationship with Sage's father, or just a general statement about my life. So it's a mantra of sorts, a reminder, a little nudge. And here it was screaming at me from my television this morning. What was I doing just laying around when this man so joyfully wakes up every morning and embraces life? What the -

So I rolled (literally) out of bed, jumped in the shower, got ready for my day and here I go - to face life, instead of hiding in my nest of blankets - to get things spend my time, rather than wasting it.

That doesn't mean that tomorrow I won't do the same thing I always do, but for today that man is on my mind and his joy for his life and his readiness to face death - well, he's my inspiration today.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

When I was five and six

This morning before I woke up I had one of those dreams, one of those dreams that I know what I'm doing and why, although I didn't choose to be where I was. 

The bones of the dream are that I had returned to the site of the daycare I had attended at age 5. Although I didn't see people in the dream, I was accompanied by one or two others, and someone let me into the house. (The preschool had either been someone's home at one point, or just looks like a house). I introduced myself as having formerly gone there and asked if I could look around. 

The first thing I noticed was the smell. It still had that smell of onions, dirty diapers, and baby powder. I wondered about how I could smell something in a dream. I walked through the front rooms, recalling what they had been when I was there...and I made note that there was carpet and the carpet was white shag. (not that bright heavenly white, but a sort of just-steam-cleaned white). The walls were white, too. Walking around, I was aware of everything I remember from there but I pushed those memories aside. 

I was in a room with a desk, I guess. On the desk was one of those metal frames that folds and you can put a picture in each side. On one side was my brother and on the other side was me. They were black and white, as if the photos were taken in the 50's. 

In another room I found what I didn't realize I was looking for. A single white shelf with a few random items, another photo - this one of me. It was a smaller, color photo of me as a 5 or 6 year old with my hair styled in a 60's teenager style. I was wearing green and white and looked like my mom. Behind the photo I noticed a book. It was thin, and the cover was still glossy white. On the spine it said C. Bear (and something after it). 

At least I think it did, because I was waking up, and the shock and excitement of finding the book I have been searching for my entire life was racing through my mind. By the time I reached to pick it up, I was aware of myself and I woke up and the actual memories of the preschool started flooding in around me. The crying babies, the dark room, cots, goulash, counting to a million...blood...having to hold a diaper to my head to cover the wound while I waited for my stepfather...I waited a few minutes before opening my eyes to reality.

I have such vivid memories of that part of my life, that place, and even the smells. But the thing I lost - the thing I keep looking for - was a book about my teddy bear, a book that came with my bear, the reason I named my bear Charles. 

I still have Charles. His squeaker doesn't work anymore. He's missing an eye. His paws have been replaced multiple times. He's still my Charles Bear, though, and I want to find his book.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Nothing Really

I suck at being consistent. 

I should just call this blog "Good luck with that" or "I have a new project! Watch for       "

So, hang in there my three followers. As Facebook creates its slow demise, I will most likely       . (haha)