It seems the main thing that tethers us to sanity is the ability to ignore the Bigger Picture, or at least ignore enough parts of it that we don't implode. I feel most un-tethered when I start feeling the realities that I cannot control - the existence of More - and struggle with the skill of focusing on the little tasks and facts that ground us. Today is one of those days. It doesn't help that I am very sleepy, and want to be alone and away from other people to just think, sleep, and write. 

Strange Days Indeed

Today feels weird. 

I know I'm awake, but I feel like I'm dreaming. I feel uneasy, tired, and I can't quite focus. 

I found out last night via text message that I got fired from my part time job that I have only had for two months (on Saturday and Sunday each week). On the one hand, I was worn out from working seven days per week, and I didn't ever really feel like I fit in, and sometimes I would think about quitting. On the other hand, I thought that I was doing well for a job I only worked two days per week and never really had more training than a few hours of "this is how this works" and then sink or swim after that. I thought I was swimming...or at least dog-paddling...until I got a text from my friend last night that said that we were not going to be on the schedule because Tally was unhappy with the evening shift. ("not on the schedule" is code for "you're fired") At first, I was so ecstatic! I have my weekends back!! I don't have to quit now!! I'm not going to be dead on my feet every Monday or miserable every Saturday and Sunday night! But then today the reality that I got fired for the first time ever is sinking in and I think my ego is a bit bruised. So I texted the owner and asked him why I got fired, and he told me that it was because no one ever trained me right, so when I ring up a ticket that a waitress wrote, if the waitress forgot to write the charge on the ticket, I'm not noticing it and therefore not charging the customer for it and he can't afford to be giving away free meals. Alrighty, then. I replied back "I understand. I didn't know I was doing that. Thank you." And so here I sit - pissed that no one bothered to properly train me, or at least point out my mistakes so I could learn from them, yet relieved that I don't have to go to work there anymore. Such a strange set of conflicting feelings. 

The weather is overcast and cold. I can hear jackhammers outside the building. I have a cold that seems to be rallying after I thought it was gone and it is making me more tired than usual (I feel like I'm always tired anymore). I'm itchy in random places. I am uneasy. (I know I mentioned that already but I just am.)

The headlines on my browser home page are as follows:
• Oklahoma lawmakers OK bill criminalizing performing abortion
• All 7 crew members safe as B-52 crashes on Guam
• Colorado movie theater isn't liable for 2012 mass shooting
• Manning appeal seeks reversal of charges or reduced sentence
• Judge in Freddie Gray-officer trial grills prosecutors
• Cosby spends millions as lawsuits, criminal case rage on
• 9 deaths, no charges raise questions about oversight agency
• McCrory lawsuit against feds may shift narrative on LGBT law
• NASA's Valkyrie robots set the table for human life on Mars
• New penis recipient looks forward to being a 'complete' man

For some reason that combination of headlines adds to my unease. On the one hand, the State that I occupy has done the unthinkable (and unconstitutional). And on the flip side of that some guy just got a penis replacement. I have thoughts on the other headlines, both good and bad, but these headlines wear me out and they don't seem real. Nothing seems real right now and maybe that's why I feel so uneasy. I kind of just want to go home and sleep until tomorrow. 

I did it!

I turned 47 last week. And at 47, I weigh less than I did at 27. Also, I'm stronger. If you scroll down to past posts you can see what I used to look like. This is what I look like today:

I weigh 129 pounds and my body fat percentage is 22.9%

Here is a before I started training/now comparison:

My goal now is to get to 20% body fat percentage, then to maintain that and learn how to figure out my own training program. I hate running, but some day I'd like to run those fun 5K runs that some of my friends do - and enjoy it. 

I still eat a 95% Paleo menu, although on the lifestyle end of things I am not getting as much sleep as I should be. I have started trying to go to bed earlier but even with Daylight Savings that isn't an easy feat for me. 

I have come to the realization that I couldn't have discovered Paleo at a better time, as it turns out I am experiencing symptoms of premenopause. Body temperature fluctuations (not just hot flashes, but first I get so cold, and then there is the hot flash, and then I'm cold again) restlessness/insomnia/waking up often during the night, mood fluctuations (thank you Xanax) and other little subtle or not-so-subtle things that mess with my biology. All of this will exist regardless, but it is lessened by the way I have been eating for the past 18 months, I think. I'm still doing some research. 

Another thing I am researching is how this diet affects blood lipid levels. My triglycerides are lower than ever - 62, but my cholesterol is up - both good and bad cholesterol. So, I am now researching how eating Paleo can effect one's "bad cholesterol" and how to fix that. More on that later. 

Now I must venture off to Tuesday night training, even though I'm sleepy, achy, and short of breath (stupid allergies). I'm making myself go because I AM that strong and once I start moving and lifting I will feel much better. TTFN

PMS or First World Problems?

All of the headlines on my Yahoo page read like a tabloid. Is there no news today, or did someone new get the Tuesday Sensationalism job? They're doing a bang-up job. "Behemoth" Daddy Longlegs, CIA Releases Secret UFO Pics, something about the Jenners, something about Rhonda Rousey dating someone's husband, "Amazing" photo of woman who looks like a hotel corridor "Goes Viral" - give me a fucking break. She had on a shirt that matched the wall. Someone got paid to write about that. I'm in the wrong business. I wouldn't mind getting paid to write stupid headlines and non-stories. Although, now that I think about it, I would rather be the person who finds the pictures that match the headlines - the ones of famous people's facial expressions.

Work is irritating today. People who don't normally irritate me are making me snap at the people who do [normally irritate me]. I'd be more specific but someone might read this someday. 

I'm sick. I haven't been sick since last March. This is just a cold, and day 3 of the cold, but I'm pissed off that I got sick. I was doing so well. And, while I would like to go home and sleep all day that just won't help so here I am at work being pissed off and writing about it. 

People are driving weird. I almost got hit twice on the way to work. I was driving in the left lane, and two separate cars just meandered into my lane WHILE I WAS IN IT and either realized at the last minute that I was there, or they just meandered back. The first one almost gave me a heart attack, and when I looked into my rear-view mirror afterwards, they stayed in their right lane but kept swerving a little to the left. Even some of the cars in front of me were riding that middle line to the left of them. I wonder if that is a sign of how things are going to go in Iowa on Monday.

On a more random note...this reminds me of the day I went to work on a Saturday, and all of the vehicles downtown except mine were minivans. One almost ran into me, and the other two or three weren't really even driving in lanes. It was like I had wandered into a minivan farm, with minivans just bumbling along however they like. It could have been a scene straight out of CARS.

I was looking up links for how to deal with frustration and whether it is good for you to vent your problems or not. The first article I looked at said it isn't good for you. Fuck off. The second article gave 10 examples of how to deal with frustration. two examples were something reasonable I could do right now, one would get me committed, two or three would make me cry, another one is impossible at this time in my life, five would result in sweat, three are things I hate doing, and a couple would just put me to sleep at this point in time.

So, yeah.