My Purpose

I have been thinking a lot about Purpose. 

For the past few years I have been wandering around in different clouds of depression, oftentimes just going through the motions because I am alive and have to do something. Until Sage went to college, my purpose was to raise her well. My "I am here to..." was "raise my daughter to be a bright, contributing, functional member of society" and now that she is in college I guess my purpose has grown legs of its own and doesn't need me as much. 

So now what? I find myself asking the same questions I asked a much younger me. Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? What is my purpose in life? Well, I saw this Alicia Keys video yesterday or so, and it gave me the script to begin answering this question. "I am here to..." 

I am coming closer to re-defining what that is or what it could be. I am starting to think that my Purpose is the sum of all of its parts plus how I choose to live my future. I think that right here and now "I am here to...be a light in dark places, have faith and hope where none seems possible, and to share that with others as best as possible." 

Today. 

My Paleo Journey - the beginning

I have been on the Paleo diet since a week ago Tuesday. That is 12 days. Anyone following this blog knows how inconsistent I am in my attempts to create a cohesive theme in this blog, anything more than random comments that don't have anything to do with each other. I'm hoping this time is different. 

In the past four years, I have gained at least 20 pounds. The bigger I get, the less confident I become. Don't get me wrong, I have tried to embrace my image and I am fully aware that there are men who enjoy "bigger girls". But I know this - I am a voluptuous short-ish person who will never be thin because that isn't how I was built. I was build with an evolution to large breasts post-childbirth, a round, full ass that I have been blessed with since I was young.  I am a quintessential "hourglass shape" with danger of becoming more apple if I hadn't taken further steps. 

Up until now, I have tried diet upon diet. I had a 3-month stint of being fit by personal trainer, but I burned out and stopped exercising (gained my weight back and then some). 

My ancestors which I resemble most closely were also shortish, large-bosomed, round women with a very strong will. *cough 

So, I accept I inherited those genes. I am resigned to always be soft, and round. I have been with men, romantically, who refer to me as soft Kimberly - in an endearing and appreciative way. My body is that of a woman and I have no desire to change looking like a woman. 

Having said that, I have been embarrassed and ashamed of my latest weight gain. I was eating right, as far as I knew, and my main vice was beer. Admittedly, while I was having regular sex, my blood pressure was lower and I was a bit thinner, but I choose not to take that route right now (I have the option)

I started reading - and after the things I read I was sure that the main culprits were wheat and beer and milk products. They say that my middle is the result of stress but honestly I do not carry much stress these days. Things happen, I process them and let them go. 

My second appointment with my Psychiatrist, who had lost so much weight during the three months that flew by before I saw her again that I thought she was seriously ill, stopped her day of "down to business" and listened to me and gave me a diet. She didn't give me a bunch of handouts that didn't make sense, she wrote down a diet. A way of eating that might help to polish up my mood and my sense of self. It was a rare moment in this day of detached doctors treating symptoms. What she ended up describing was a Paleo diet. A diet I have come to understand will be a way of life. 

First, it was about the food I could and couldn't eat. I could eat meat, fresh veggies and fruits, seeds and nuts, healthy oils. Pretty simple, except that I didn't cook and there isn't a Paleo fast food restaurant yet. I'm falling asleep so I will say this - I am learning how to cook, how to organize my kitchen and therefore a light under my butt to organize my whole life to reflect this very basic way of eating and preparing food, and creating a lifestyle to surround these priorities.