Tragedy

I've always had a difficult time dealing with large tragedies. Whether it be our American Soldiers in the middle east, or Hurricane Katrina and the like. When the Newtown CT shooting happened, it crippled me emotionally. Everything that came after that was just more weight on my already heavy soul. 

This tornado in Moore...it weighs on me almost as much as that mass shooting. The Boston Marathon bombing (another Boston Massacre) was bad, this is so much worse. 

When the criminal, the person committing the crime, is Nature - what can you do? One person wipes out 100 others, "ban guns". A disease wipes out 100 people "take precautions". An unpredictable tornado wipes out the majority of a neighborhood - um....

I feel helpless. I feel the weight of those people, looking at a pile of sticks and appliances wondering how the next 24 hours of their life will go. I practically absorb the hopelessness. I can't help it no matter how I shield myself. 

I firmly believe that Nature takes care of itself. Overpopulation, imbalance, BAM - the world will get hot, cold, unpredictable in order to restore balance. That's God - like it or not. "God" being that power that is bigger than all of use, that we can't control and can grant us a miracle or take away everything we know and love in a heartbeat. I equate the two on some level. 

I'm not posting this to make any statement, except that I am depressed. I feel dark. I feel heavy. I feel sadness and helplessness, and every siren, gunshot, storm, or explosion makes me tense up waiting for the news. 

That's not me.
That's not who I have been my whole life. 
I WILL get back to myself - I WILL be that person who can see the bigger picture, the beauty in tragedy, the love in hateful acts. I know it exists. I just need to find me again.