I was invited. I was invited by a phone call - someone took extra time to call me and invite me, and I was excited to go and I said yes. I put it on my calendar, when asked I told other people "i have plans Saturday night" and was happy that I had plans.
But here I am, 10:20 on Saturday night, and I couldn't do it.
I couldn't go.
The link connected with the title of this blog really sums it up, but the synchronictiy is there too - i.e. the question was asked by "Kimberly", the first comment was made by "Kim", and one of the early responses was from "Jon R." (In my world that would have been Jon Ross/John Ross/ JR/ I'd go on, but he died so it doesn't matter). Of the responses I read, "Jon R." said it best (mostly) even though our JR is gone forever:
November 13, 2009 at 10:04 am Jon R.(4)
Valid strategy or maladaptive behavior? I think that without question it’s maladaptive. Why? Because it makes me feel worse, not better. (And yes, I share every one of the behaviors Sarah listed.)By coincidence, I was discussing just this behavior with my physician yesterday. I feel better today — have been in a severe depressive episode for several days now —
Back on topic: I didn't go to the party. I could have made it by now. Today, I spent the day replacing my entry door(s). My old friend picked me up, took me to Lowes and Home Depot, and we picked up new doors, the hardware for the doors, and other stuff. We brought it all back to the house, and started replacing the front door. It took WAY longer than we thought it would - parts of the door frame had to be chiseled away, shims had to be put in places to make it "plumb", a lot of work went in to making the door free from breezes, light, burglers, etc. and it took a long time. When the time of the party started, and overlapped with fixing the door, I was relieved. I was relieved that I had a reason to not go out of the house and be around people. I didn't have to shower now, or find something to fit my fat body that still makes me feel pretty - I'm free for the night. But, we stopped with the front door. The first part of construction on the door was finished by 8pm. We saved the screen door and insulation for tomorrow. By all rights, I could have showered, gone to the bank, and still been at the party by now. But I can't do it. I kept trying - I kept trying to move myself to that point of wanting to get up and go out and be around people but I can't. And I was really looking forward to tonight.
How do I stop sabatoging myself? How do I get back to ME? How do I get excited about going out at the TIME I'm supposed to go out? Right now, it feels like torture. Being around a lot of happy, pretty, people feels like torture. When I'm around them...I feel - less than. I feel unworthy. I feel like a reject or a failure to a degree. I'm still not back to my social self, I guess. And I'm afraid I'm hurting people's feelings by being so unavailable to most. But I can't do anything about it yet.
Yet is the magic word. I feel like I'm getting closer. A little at a time. And I think that the gradual work that is being done on my home (foundation, plumbing, doors, windows, cleaning/organizing/purging) is part of my process. It feels like it. My front door - it still needs to be finished out, but it is hung, it has a doorknob, lock, safety window - and it is "plumb" and no breezes can get through and it feels...right. The whole thing isn't even finished - we still have the trim and the screen door to install (and the back door, but I'm sure that represents an entirely different part of my psyche).
And yesterday, my house was cleaned and there is a "wall" of perfectly folded clothing along the edge of the bed - between my bedroom door and where I sleep. It felt so good to go to bed last night with that "barrier" between me and the bedroom door. I felt safe, and comforted.
Now that I sit here looking at my front door and think about my clean house, the parts of me that were shaken up when my foundation was lifted/repaired last weekend, feel settled. And I want to relish that feeling because I don't feel it often.
To be more specific (if you are still reading, you are too patient LOL) the front door is what did it. Now I feel better about who can enter. Right now is the first time in I can't even tell anyone for how long that I don't feel like ... extracting justice ... from the two people who have haunted me for the past three to four months. Right now is the first time that I can think about it (them) and not feel like sending another e-mail, reminding them of how they hurt me, trying to make them feel guilty enough to explain whatever it is to me that I thought needed to be explained.
I think that the explination is either obvious, or it is inexplicable. I feel settled, that I couldn't have done anything different to change the course of actions. It wasn't me. It really wasn't. So maybe...once my doors and windows are intact...the trim is replaced...the locks are secure...the breeze can blow in my home without leaving any doors/windows unlocked - I'm getting there. "we" (all of me) are getting there.
I just wish I could get past this antisocial stage. I wish my brain had power over my will. I wish everything was more logical.
But for today, I flaked. I flaked on a party I wanted to go to. I let people down and disappointed people who were looking forward to seeing me. I don't feel good about it - as they are concerned. But at this very moment I do feel better here in my home than out with a bunch of people who need and want the life and energy that is "being social."
I don't have any extra right now. I just can't do it. I can't give it, let alone take it. I don't want to pretend, which is what I have been doing. I'm happier here, right now. But I know that my goal is to be able to go out and BE. Out. I want to be able to integrate and give and take, and be the old me - I'll find it, I know.
After today, though, after the little piece of firming up the infrastructure, I feel better. Pretty soon, I'll be out. I'll feel good. I'll be me again. I hope by then, all my friends haven't given up on me.
