New Day. Again.

I seem to have already forgotten my theme song for the year. I let a couple things throw me off track, and this year is only one week old. SO...I'm going to try this again.

Big sigh from my soul
Look at the sun and thank God
At least I'm not them

Love,

Kimmy :)

What I'll never be able to say (or if I do, it won't be read/heard)

Dear Andy,

After three years of care, love, and support you have proven yourself a coward in the end. I don't do cowards. And, in response to your "I just want to focus on my career" I call bullshit. First clue: weekly hunting trips with the guys ever since you told me that. Second clue: Lying to me, telling me you will call me and then not calling...every way you have behaved since September. Third clue: dating my friend who happens to be the wife of your dead ex-best friend - less than 3 months after his death. How you went from 20 kisses goodbye one morning to "I just want to be friends" a week later will always be a mystery to me (mainly because you never had the balls to tell me). Another mystery: why you have completely ceased any communication with me regardless of the fact that in the end, YOU were the one who fucked up. And your lack of communication speaks volumes, coward.

That is all, have a good life - oh - and good luck with dating someone who is rebounding from losing her soul-mate.

Me.
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Dear Claudia,

While I grieve with you and I am intensely sad about the loss of my friend and your soul-mate Ronnie, I am even more hurt by the fact that you are dating my recent ex-best friend and lover of over three years. Even more hurtful is the fact that you and I spent an entire afternoon describing our similar pain to each other, and we understood that we were each grieving to an exponential extent. I was healing until your e-mail, describing how he asked you out and you "have taken that first step" with him. I respect the fact that you told me about it at all, after all I did ask you to tell me if he asked you out (I just didn't think you would tell him "yes" - I thought that was against the Girlfriends code of honor). So, while I was devastated yesterday - more so than I can ever put into words - today I am just sorry for both of you. I'm sorry that you are unable to be without a man for more than 3 months, so much so that you are willing to ditch our friendship so you can date my cowardly ex-boyfriend - the same man whose character you trashed to the entire town not too long ago. Good luck with that - I should remind you that he is a coward and dishonest if honesty means confrontation. But hey, this isn't my problem anymore and you effectively helped me remove myself from that whole "Okemah" scene. My life starts anew, with no strings, no longings - only a hole that is ragged around the edges, but is healing like anything else in my body that has been pierced but not filled.

Good luck with that whole Karma thing,

Me.
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Dear God,

Thank you for saving me from a whirlpool of pain and confusion. Thank you for giving me the clarity I prayed for (even if it was 30 minutes after I prayed for it - totally not prepared for the truth). Yesterday, I felt like the world had betrayed me. Today I feel like I have been set free. I know that once the pain subsides, that there are endless opportunities ahead of me. Opportunities that don't necessarily include a freaking man. I realize you created men and women to be together, but the more I learn, the more I question that whole goal of yours. Perhaps a stronger need to be loyal and in love with his woman would have been a nice "add" to the whole "man" model. Fine, Eve was weak. But seriously? Do you really have to punish us even now?

If I don't need a man, can you take that desire from me please? Because, I am 41 years old, and I have yet to find the man who can handle my independence and devotion at the same time. In spite of that, I have not become bitter, I have not closed my heart to any new possibilities, I keep my eye on that open door when the other one has closed. Yet...at this point it is almost a bad joke. I don't know what I did in my past or current life to deserve the amount of pain I have experienced through the serious relationships in my life, but I'm starting to feel like I might be paid up now. Really, trust me on this. I have had faith in you my entire life, and I continue to have faith that you have someone really special being prepared for me. But I also have faith that if you don't, you will REMOVE my desire for such a man. Please.

I love you most,

Kimberly